“He’s the first date I don’t run away from very hard”

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After her relationship slumbered and fizzled out, Annick entered the dating circuit. She had to learn to find her way there first.

Annick (37), mother of Evi (13), Bonnie (9) and Amy (5):

“At the beginning of October 2021 I finally put an end to my relationship with Leon, the father of my youngest daughter Amy. Of the seven years we had been together, we hadn’t had sex for three and a half. Leon had zero libido. It was due to stress, he claimed. But even when he was free, I couldn’t persuade him. In the end he didn’t even want to cuddle or kiss on the couch anymore. It made me insecure and it caused an increasing emotional removal.

Now or never

Once I really put the knife to his throat: it’s now or never. But that lovemaking only lasted a few minutes and was a fiasco. The fact that our sex life didn’t get any better, even though Leon kept saying that it would work itself out, was also confirmed by the sexologist we visited in couples therapy: she saw insurmountable differences between us.

She asked me to make a list of things I valued in a partner. I had them together like this: I really wanted someone who stood next to me, supported me, was stable, also lived his own life and with whom I could grow together. Leon possessed none of these qualities. Of course I knew that before. I had flagged all the red flags when we got into a relationship, but I ignored them at the same time. I so wanted it to work out with him.

In my relationship before him, with the father of my two oldest girls, it had been just another overkill of sex. My ex-husband Lars was a sex addict and wanted three times a day. Deadly exhausting, especially when I had a baby. I withdrew more and more. We eventually broke up, but we remained good friends.

Fling

After two long relationships, both with a special view of affection, I started again at the age of 36. I wanted to flutter around. No fixation, just an occasional date with a nice man and finally some good sex again. I became a member of social networking site Badoo where I quickly connected. I went to the cinema, walking in lockdown times and regularly had a lover.

Usually I chose my dates when my children were with their fathers, but sometimes it was also fine during school hours. I had a date at least once a week, but I also suffered from a lot of fear of commitment. If a lover got too close, I started looking for a new contact.

New to the dating market

After a few months of bouncing around I noticed I was a little more open to a serious relationship and started looking more actively on a dating site. But the time I met a potentially nice guy and accepted his advances, I noticed he backed off after a while. I heard nothing at all and thought that was strange. At first he did everything he could to seduce me, if I accepted, then it was over?

Via Google I came to the website Mannenbrein.nl. There everything is explained about the difference in thinking between a man and a woman and you get tips and tricks to make someone fall in love with you. Very educational. I had been stuck in relationships all these years and was completely new to the dating market. I took an online course there, from which I really learned a lot. Like not being too eager, but also not hard to get to play. They really hammer on the difference between being too available and too distant. I learned a lot about how men think, but also about myself.

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That helps me a lot in my new fling. I wouldn’t call it a relationship. We are still exploring, but we really like each other. Three months ago I met Xavier, a 37-year-old man who turned out to live nearby. After chatting for a while, we agreed. That night he left me with a nonsense excuse. I was so angry.

He expressed enormous regret and wanted to meet again, but it was no longer necessary for me. He then spontaneously showed up at the door with flowers to apologize. As I learned in my online course, I was hesitant, said I wouldn’t have another free weekend for another month and a half. That did not deter him. In fact, it made him even more eager. He said he would wait then, he liked me too much to let go.

All space

At that moment I already melted a bit and gave in. We could maybe chat for twenty minutes if I went to walk the dog? Xavier thought it was a top plan. That walk was so nice that we agreed a week later. We went to the beach where we had lunch, kissed and talked for hours. I don’t feel any butterflies yet, but Xavier is the first guy I suppress the urge to run away really fast. Xavier isn’t claiming, doesn’t push and gives me all the space.