Grandma disappoints: ‘She prefers to travel’

Robin (36), married to Nick (37), mother of Louis (7), Mats (6) and Saar (3):

“My mother is very firm: children under the age of six do not have active memories, so it is unnecessary to put a lot of energy into creating a bond. Whether it’s babysitting or sleepovers. A waste of her hard-earned free time, that’s what she literally said to me. My parents also only recently wanted to do something with Louis, our oldest. But then little by little.

No babysitter grandma or grandpa

To be fair, when I told them I was pregnant eight years ago, my parents were delighted. With a five-year-older gay brother who didn’t want children and a career tiger as a daughter, they had already somewhat given up hope for grandchildren. But after the congratulations, a warning immediately followed: they did not want to take on a regular babysitting day and certainly did not want to become a babysitter or grandpa. Under the guise: rather spoil than help educate.

No, you don’t have to, my husband Nick and I cried in unison. Although I had to swallow my disappointment. Secretly I had taken into account one day a week babysitting. My mother is a big child lover. She has always worked in a daycare and I thought she would love to take care of a grandchild of her own now. But no. My parents had both just retired and had their eye on a motorhome. They wanted to travel together and enjoy their freedom.

uninterested

Naive as I was I thought: that sounds cool, but once the baby is here they will probably change their mind. Unfortunately. It went wrong right at birth. Louis presented himself two weeks early. Exactly when my parents were in southern Spain.

“I thought naively: once the baby is here, they will change.”

They Facetimed to congratulate me and took home a mini Barcelona outfit, but didn’t return from vacation before. Louis was almost a month old when my parents came to eat rusk with blue mice. I, full of hormones, had to cry terribly. Why were my parents so disinterested? I had just given birth to the most beautiful child in the world, I wanted to share it with them. I was also very ashamed of my surroundings. When asked if my mother was just as proud, I always had to answer with a ‘she hasn’t seen him yet’. And then I got strange, incomprehensible responses back.

cuddle grandma

It also didn’t fit the romantic image I had of grandparents. All around me I saw grandparents raving about their grandchildren. Alice, Nick’s mother, is also such a cuddly grandmother. My mother-in-law would like to play a bigger role in our lives, but she lives eighty kilometers away and cares for my father-in-law. He is demented. After years of caring for him at home, he is now in an institution. She visits him where she can, because she thinks that otherwise he will not receive enough care.

She loves our children, but she just doesn’t have the time. She does help where possible. If necessary, the children can stay there overnight. And luckily my brother is always up for a sleepover too. Then our children can take turns sleeping with him and his friend. But still, it’s not the same as a really committed grandpa and grandma, as I see all around me.

To balance

With a fat mortgage, two cars and a lot of money-consuming hobbies and sports and ditto lifestyle, continuing to work is necessary. I’ve never aspired to be a stay at home mom. I myself am a child of working parents and have never suffered from this. I also think it’s important that the children see that you can take care of yourself as a woman. I have a bachelor’s degree in law and enjoy working at a law firm. When Nick and I decided we wanted kids, I went back to four days. I think four days is really the max for a daycare center or before and after school care.

I knew beforehand that most of the care would end up on my shoulders. Nick works in IT and has to go abroad every month: America, the Middle East. Working part time is not an option in his business, rather it is more than full time. Before corona, he got on a plane every few weeks and then he was also away at the weekend. Now it’s less, but I still can’t rely on him. So that means a lot of arranging and organising.

“The kids see my parents on average five times a year.”

It doesn’t matter, but I would have liked it if my parents had wanted to help me with that. I also assumed that when I got pregnant, I’m honest about that. Even after my parents said they didn’t plan on babysitting on a regular day, I still had hopes that they would pop over regularly and act as a safety net.

But my parents are actually out all year round. In the summer they travel through Europe by motorhome, in the winter they fly to sunny destinations and in between they make city trips. Of course their right. I wish my father his retirement, after so many years of struggling in real estate, and my parents their freedom and luxury life. But because of that, my children miss a lot of their grandfather and grandmother. They see my parents on average five times a year and almost only at our house.

pampering grandma

My mother once said she wanted to be a pampered grandma, but that’s just because of the gifts. They are exorbitantly large. A new bicycle or iPad, the largest Playmobil boxes. And they also save money for their driver’s license for all three. They are really generous in that regard. They always have been. They supported me very much during my studies and guaranteed us so that we could buy this house. But I think love and attention are more important than money.

I would love it if my mother would also play with Mats and Saar with the Playmobil or read a book. My father sometimes kicks a ball with Louis, but no more than ten minutes. In fact, they both have little patience or interest. They also casually say that they would rather not have us visit them. My mother is afraid that the children in her house will break things or fall off their Chesterfield sofa. And she gets restless from mess, so better stay with us. Usually they are out the door after two hours. It’s like bringing a late present (because they are almost never present on children’s birthdays, let alone on graduation days or holidays) and away again.

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Without love or enthusiasm

When I became pregnant with the youngest, my mother said: ‘What are you doing, you’re already busy with two. Why take a third?’ That she reacted so without love or enthusiasm to this pregnancy – dearly desired by us – hurt me very much. She also told an aunt that she finds it strange that I work so much, but have many children. Nick and I are just overjoyed that we have been awarded a large family. We are well aware that these are tropical years: three children under the age of eight. But the older and more independent they get, the easier it is.

“When I was pregnant with the third, my mother said, ‘What are you getting yourself into?'”

I hardly dare to tell friends about my parents’ disinterest. You quickly start to doubt yourself or your own upbringing. Many people know my parents as jovial and pleasant people. My mother had many children of acquaintances at the nursery. Everyone automatically assumes that she adores Louis, Mats and Saar. Sometimes someone asks if my parents don’t miss them terribly when they are always traveling, and then I quickly come up with something about weekly video calling and a lot of texting. But actually there is hardly any interest and I am the one who reminds them that a grandchild’s birthday is coming up or is swimming soon. Or maybe they can call?

appealed

Once, when I only had Louis and Mats, I called on my parents. I still need to hear that. Nick was in Houston, Texas for a week for a convention. On my day off, I was at the doctor’s in the morning with two small children. Not ideal, but I wanted to get a blackened and growing mole on my left breast checked. The doctor did not trust me and sent me to the dermatologist in the hospital. She wanted a piece to be cut out immediately and put in culture.

At that moment I called my mother in a panic and said I had to go to the hospital now, but without the little ones. My parents were happy in the Netherlands and were on the doorstep within an hour to babysit. Super nice. But what a drama it turned out to be. They hated it. My hospital consultation was very long and I had to go through a whole medical mill. The dermatologist thought it was a melanoma and cut out the entire mole, after which it all still had to be stitched. All in all I was gone for about four hours.

Emergencies

When I came back, very emotional because I was afraid that the melanoma would have spread (I saw myself dying of cancer at a young age, which fortunately was not the case, we were there in time), I did not exactly end up in a warm bath . My mother was angry that it had taken so long. Mats, who was teething, had only cried and Louis refused to sleep. He was just in between a midday nap or not.

“I had to raise my children better, because this whining was not doing anything.”

My mother hardly listened to my melanoma story, but gave me a sermon. I had to raise my children better, because this whining was no good. They were completely broken, she said. I can hardly explain how lonely and sad I felt then. Even later I often had to hear that they really didn’t let everything fall out of their hands if I ever needed help again. I thought that was so heartless that I actually never asked for anything again.

Coincidentally, I had a similar situation going on recently and then I resolved it with moms from school. I had to go to the hospital with Saar early in the morning because of a sudden severe attack of pseudocroup and was home alone. I placed the oldest children with friends before school.

Statement

I have no real explanation why my parents are so absent. It keeps me awake at night and has even talked to a psychologist a few times, but I just can’t figure it out. It’s hard for me to place my mother’s coldness. I used to have a great relationship with her. A bit on the business side, we talked a lot about work and school, but fine and full of interest. Now it’s completely gone. It is also mainly my mother, my father is docile, who does what she wants.

Sometimes, when I gently complain, she says that we chose a child and not her for a grandchild. Or that it will come later, because the kids are still too small for active memories. Or she sighs: ‘I raised you for years, then took care of other people’s offspring, now it’s my time.’

But why so negative? Kids aren’t just fussy or busy. They could also get happiness and joy out of it, just like those other grandparents I know who are peddling pictures of their grandchildren. I can look jealous of it.”

This article appears in Kek Mama 16-2021.

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