Co-sleeping: ‘Since we have children, we rarely sleep in bed together’

The salesperson was rather surprised that when they bought a Cars bed for three-year-old Milan, Dad thoroughly tested the bed and then picked one of the most expensive Tempur mattresses. Lilian: “Well, we knew from experience that Arno in particular would use the bed. We had bought another cheap thing from Anne our eldest, but that gave Arno such a pain in his back. This time we wanted a good mattress, especially now that number two has found its place in the parental bed. ”

Broken nights

Since Lilian (38) and Arno (39) have children, they rarely sleep together. Lilian: “It started with the birth of Anne. I breastfed every three hours and then it was so convenient that the baby stayed there. Arno moved into the guest room so he wouldn’t have broken nights. That remained the case, even when our daughter was no longer breastfed.

When Anne was old enough for a toddler bed, she did not accept that she had to sleep alone, while Mom and Dad were in the same bed. We tucked her neatly into her own bed, but at night she crawled between us. Or she turned on all the lights and screamed, “Hello, I want to play!” After waking up three times with a heart rate of 180, we decided to put her in our bed right away in the evening. ”

Daddy in the Cars bed

Meanwhile, Milan, Anne and Lilian (plus Elsa, Woezel, Miffy, Elmo and Aap) are in the double bed as standard and Arno in the Cars bed. Lilian secretly thinks it is quite cozy, those children’s bodies close to her. “Of course a man in bed is also nice, but nothing beats waking up and seeing those sweet faces.”

Arno is less able to appreciate the situation. Despite the funny Cars bed with the expensive mattress. He misses his wife in bed. The spoonful lying down, chatting before going to sleep, spontaneous sex. There is a lot of bickering about it and now and then Lilian and Arno make frantic attempts to get at least the eldest into her own room. “Sometimes we try with a mattress next to our bed. Or I lie down on Anne’s bed and Anne on a mattress next to it. Sometimes I sleep in her room all night, the next time I leave as soon as she falls asleep. In any case, it is a lot of dragging around with mattresses, duvets and pillows. ”

Lilian is not ashamed that the children have priority in the large bed. “When I say on a birthday that our children still sleep in our bed, I always get support. A remarkable number of parents admit that their child also sleeps with them, because it is easy and cozy or provides more sleep. After all, we never have to get out of bed for a cry or pain. ”

Arguing regularly

Hard figures on co-sleeping in the Netherlands do not exist, but in England a survey among three thousand parents shows that no fewer than 40 percent regularly share the bed with their offspring. Almost one hundred percent of them say that their relationship suffers. A quarter regularly argue about it and ten percent of men feel rejected because they have been banished to the nursery.

David (33), father of Jasmijn (4), can imagine everything. “It would be too bold to say that Annette and I divorced because we no longer slept in one bed, but it was true that there was always a child in the matrimonial bed – and there was very little romance and intimacy between us . ” In retrospect, he regrets that he did not press Annette more firmly for stricter sleeping rituals. “Jasmine has always been a bad sleeper. She was a crying baby and came for a bottle at night until a year and a half. My ex always gave in. Even if I gently suggested that she let her cry, as Supernanny advises. Then Annette reared in indignation. The idea alone made her angry. ”

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Company employed by Jasmijn

Making it cry was also difficult. That caused a lack of sleep anyway, because Jasmijn’s cradle was in David and Annette’s bedroom. “She praised the African cultures where children sleep with all their family members in one room and was against the Western custom of leaving a child in its own room from birth. She also always cried that there was no animal in the world that let its young sleep under another tree.

She therefore allowed Jasmijn to sleep with us, as long as she wanted. And that girl took advantage of that. She wanted to lie alone in bed with mom or dad and preferably as wide as possible or in another impossible way. We both also had to go to bed until she really fell asleep. That sometimes took half an evening. We were just a company employed by Jasmijn.

Hardly any sex

Don’t get me wrong, I am crazy about my daughter and during the day she gets all the space and attention from me. But after seven or eight in the evening it is time for the adults. Then I want to be able to talk to my wife or snuggle up to her. There was hardly any sex anymore. Our bed was too full, when Jasmijn finally slept we were afraid to wake her and we tiptoed around the house. Besides, Annette was exhausted from the broken nights. She didn’t think that was an issue herself, for her the well-being of Jasmijn was the only important thing. Our child had to feel safe, I figured it out. ”

Now that David and Annette have finally split up, the bedroom problem has also been solved. Annette and Jasmijn still share the double bed. And when the girl is with daddy, she sleeps with him. David: “But that’s only on the two weekends a month that she’s with me. Then I feel sorry to banish her from my bedroom. That will be a big problem when I get a girlfriend, I understand that. ”

Perhaps a comforting thought: Experts say that most children find their own bed around the age of ten. Although that wasn’t the case with Elvis Presley. He slept comfortably in bed with mother Gladys until he was fourteen.

Mini male in large bedstead

Some people are not at all concerned about the family bed, such as Saskia (41), mother of Finn (9), Feline (8) and Benjamin (11 months): “With my oldest two I thought: a child belongs in its own bed. Very rarely – fever, illness, nightmares, monsters, fireworks – they were allowed to sleep with us. And in turn when my husband was not there for a night. My kids knew the rules and didn’t make a problem of it.

But then last year Benjamin, our offspring, arrived and I suddenly changed my mind completely. It was very sad, that little man in that big cot in the attic. After three nights I took him into our room. My friend still sputtered: soon we would lie on top of him. But when I promised that he would not sleep in but next to our bed, he could no longer bear to put him alone in the attic. ”

Huge family bed

Saskia and Gert-Jan opted for ‘co-sleeping’. Benjamin hangs in a cradle on the edge of their bed with a special construction. “He does go to bed alone at night and that goes well. He also slept through at four months. I think because he feels safe. ” In the morning Saskia takes him between them after his first bottle and on the weekend it is a lot of fun when all the children plop in the big bed to have a nice cocoon with each other.

According to Saskia, their sex life is absolutely not affected. “We just don’t do it in the big bed anymore. Even though the male is only eleven months old, I don’t like the idea that he can wake up suddenly. Fortunately, you can also have great sex in the shower, on the couch or on the kitchen table. Gert-Jan and I sometimes feel like two teenagers in love secretly having sex. We have shifted the time from night to the hours between seven and eleven in the evening. And then you can have plenty of fun, I can tell you. I think our sex life has even gotten better. “

This article has been published once before.

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