“When I heard I was pregnant with twins, I was very angry. Why two at once?’
Now only three years old and small, but sooner than I realize my boys are also men.
I am proud to be your mother. I like that Daaf always wants to sleep next to me because that’s when he feels safest. I’m glad we argue sometimes Bo, because I know you can be mad at Mama because you can let yourself go with Mama. Because you feel safe there. I love chatting with you about the garbage truck in the street and about grandpa and grandma’s ‘woof’. And sometimes I like to take you to the teacher.
Even when I’m tired and sad, I’m proud of you. Then mommy may cry because it’s too much for her, but even then my heart is full of motherly love. Do you see that? Sometimes mom is away for a while, to work or to a friend. Then know that she always misses you. I am privileged to be a twin mother. Even though I thought differently when I was unexpectedly pregnant with twins. I’m sorry I was so insecure then. That I was so angry at the time that I had two children at the same time. That I didn’t know what to do with two sons at the time. Nothing I regret more than that.
If one of you stamps your feet furiously because Mommy gets the wrong shoes, know that I’m secretly laughing. Know that I love your toddler showers – and sometimes very heavy. Know that both can be. I hope you understand that even after three years I still have to get used to being a mother. That I don’t always find it easy to find the balance between just being myself and being your mother, because being a mother never ends. Because I’m always ‘on’.
Whatever happens, we are one as a family. My boys are my life and nothing makes me happier than a kiss from my boys. I hope you guys aren’t mad at Mommy for yelling and cursing sometimes. I hope you don’t think Mama is stupid for whining and complaining. I hope you don’t think Mommy is boring because she checks her phone sometimes when we’re at the playground. I hope you are as happy with Mom as Mom is with you. You just stay small.
And if one day you need a suit for the first prom or first job? I’ll be there.
Tessa Heinhuis (32) is mother of Bodi and Daaf (3). She lives in Bussum with her husband Billy and their children and is editor-in-chief of mamamagazine.nl.
