‘Throw those children over the fence and pay attention to your partner’
Ellen is a counselor in secondary special education, a thriller author at publisher De Fontein, mother of Lewis and Miles (11 and 8) from a previous relationship and gave birth to daughter Sophia with her boyfriend Nils in November.
Having a third child (in my case in a new relationship) means you have more experience as a mother, but you also have more experience as a partner. One of the things I’ve learned is to keep paying attention to each other. Nothing is like that killing like forgetting your partner when a baby is born.
Up the hill
With Lewis I hardly thought about that, sadly enough. I didn’t really feel it was necessary at the time, which I think means I forgot about it. The baby was the most important thing and my ex and I hardly ever went out together. Maybe the need was less then, I simply don’t remember. I do remember that my focus was completely on Lewis and when we went out, he went with us.
With Miles – on Curaçao – it was different. My ex was away a lot, because he was now a pilot. The trips I made, I made with family and my best friend Suzanne who came over from the Netherlands. We then lived on the property with my in-laws and they fit in easy peasy up with the baby monitor. So I was often out and about when people came over, but without a partner.
Together
After Sophia was born, I knew things had to be different. It’s so easy to lose track of each other when a baby joins the family (or when it’s your first child, maybe more). Stupid actually, because your relationship is the basis, especially for your child. A stable and pleasant relationship is vital if you want to get through the tropical years with young children in a good way. Quality time for each other is essential, without children.
In our case that is extra difficult, because Nils of course also has to deal with two children who are not his, but whom he almost always has around him. The advantage is that motherhood no longer overwhelms me – as a mother of three – as it did with the first child. I’ve done it twice before and I’m much less exhausted than I was then, even though I’m over eleven years older. Wisdom about being a mom also comes with age and knowing that I need to invest in my relationship is certainly one of them. I am very keen that Nils and I have enough time together, that we do enough fun things together and also talk about things other than Sophia.
“It’s so easy to lose track of each other when a baby comes along.”
More than mothering
There is more to life than children – even though they are the most important part of our lives – but we are still there ourselves. Fortunately, we have a wide network of babysitters. That is key when you want to go out together and I am very grateful to everyone who regularly looks after Sophia and my boys. It’s a whole
arranged and it doesn’t always work out, but Nils and I fully enjoy each other and our time together when we have safely housed the children with the lovely people around us. We can go to football, nights out, to a party here and there and we celebrated carnival last week. I honestly love being his partner for a while at those moments and not having to mother.
It is really a tip to all new parents with babies and small children. Occasionally throw those kids over the fence and pay attention to your partner. Go do something fun together and talk to each other about what’s on your mind. It’s so easy, but also so quickly forgotten. So arrange that babysitter and go out for dinner this weekend! Have fun!
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