Sexy motherhood: ‘We are supposed to be sweet and caring, but you know: fuck that’

Image: Edland Man and private

“When I was preparing for the reprise of my theater tour Me, Daphne Gakes, after my book of the same name, the theaters refused my first theater poster. I was heavily pregnant with Bowie and posed naked in just a jacket. You didn’t even see a nipple, but he was sexy. People found it repulsive.

Sexy motherhood

Bowie was a few months old when I started publishing about sexuality. In my book, and with a column. I then received countless messages from mothers who said: ‘Yes, but you don’t have to have that sex again so soon, you are now a mother.’ As if being sexy with a child was no longer allowed.

Comedian Daniël Arends has a sketch in which he says that since he became a father, he suddenly also falls for mothers. And that women who still want to be sexy are bad mothers. So that’s how it works in many men’s brains. A mother should be sweet and caring. But you know: fuck that. I find that mold quite oppressive. I’m often not caring and sweet at all, fuck off. Of course it’s ridiculous when you select women that way.

“I am often not caring and sweet at all, fuck off. It’s ridiculous when you select women that way.”

In the theater hall, there are usually two camps with my show: the people who say: ‘Well, well’, and the audience – often women – who say: ‘Hey, nice, finally.’ You don’t lose your identity with becoming a mother. I’ve liked being sexy all my life. As I get older and as a mother, it’s less inherent in how I look and more in how I feel.

Foreplay

I had an open relationship with Bowie’s father. He didn’t know if he was ready for parenthood and decided once it hit that it wasn’t. So during my pregnancy and afterwards I was single with – later – a visitation arrangement for my child. I felt incredibly sexy and utterly free: I lived in an RV and was having fun dating when Bowie was with his dad.

In that phase I also noticed those camps: some men found it repulsive, others thought it was crazy. I myself went through a transformation during my pregnancy. Because no matter how attractive I found myself with my belly, I didn’t want intercourse. The sex became more sensual during that period; I was looking for it more in small touches. To kiss. Or dance. Popularly this is called foreplay, but that is of course also sex.

That other color in my sexuality remained in the first year of my motherhood. Nature has cleverly arranged that; as long as you breastfeed, your testosterone level, and therefore your sex drive, will remain lower – after all, you are also less fertile during that period. And let’s face it: most mothers are way too tired for sex at that stage. I did need affection and intimacy. A more tantric side of sex. My sexuality was not on the back burner, I just gave it a different interpretation.

Double standard

I’ve been in a steady relationship for a year now and I’m living in a real house again. The good thing about it is that I dare to go into depth and full confidence with someone again. The pleasure I experience when people look at my body or when I make eye contact remains. Slutty, some people call it. But of course that is nonsense. There is still a double standard. As a man you are tough if you have slept with a hundred women, as a woman you are a slut.

It angers me that the anatomy of the clitoris—a pleasure organ the size of a man’s and which also produces an erection—is only now being included in teen textbooks. Anatomically and hormonally, women are not that different from men at all. According to scientific research, we would deviate about fifteen percent, and that is mainly due to the fact that men masturbate and watch porn more often. But when a meta-analysis was released again, it turned out that women feel a lot of shame with those subjects and were therefore not always honest in previous studies.

Read also – 50% of mothers want more sex >

Conditioning

Long story short: women, including mothers, fuck, finger, and watch porn just as much as men. Only, we are conditioned to put our sex in the service of the man. That is what the sexual attitudes in our society are based on. In which romantic comedy do you see a woman cum clitorally? Fortunately, in practice there are a lot of men who do take care of that, but ten percent of women still experience pain during sex, and eight percent of them continue to ‘have sex’ as well.

I worry about that. And about comments after a pregnancy: ‘And can he go on again?’ Sex is more than just penetration. Your vagina is a birth canal, which is primarily not sensitive. Your clitoris, it’s sensitive. I find that focus on penetration after pregnancy intense, as women we should stand up more for our pleasure. Get licked once, then turn around and go to sleep. How do men find that?

“In my eyes, a couples club is a kind of Efteling for adults”

Flirting, being a little naughty, is one for me state of mind, a lifestyle. The drugs and rock ‘n’ roll aren’t gone, but I’m less reckless. For example, since I became a mother, I prefer not to use alcohol anymore, because then I’m worth nothing the next day. I’d rather plan a childless Saturday night, take a pill and go to bed on time. For me as a ‘wild woman’ that is self-care, it recharges me as a mother. Or I go – completely sober – to a swingers club, a kind of Efteling for adults, in my eyes.

Expectations

In my podcast Between the sheets I speak to many women who discuss in advance what they expect in bed. They say: ‘Nice that you have a big dick, but do you also lick?’ I think that piece of consent is super important. As a woman you can stand up for your sexuality. And you can also guide a man in that, by saying: ‘Hey, we had a great time cuddling and tongue-talking, that’s also sex.’

If you approach it that way, I think every mother still needs to make love. Everyone has their own sexual journey, but I think it’s ridiculous when people think: so now you’re a breeding hen, and the sexual game is over.

In fact, since I became a mother, I dare to stand up more for my own pleasure. My body has changed for the worse, but I feel very strong. I give myself more. I work hard, as a mom with a full time job, sex is my way of recharging. I no longer have the energy to please and therefore dare more.

In addition, the contact with my vulva has changed. I think it’s so cool that a child came out of that that I’m less interested in what it looks or smells like. Then he just goes through it. Maybe that’s just related to getting older.”

Knowing more? www.daphnegakes.com

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