‘Papa Dragon is not getting better’
Tabitha (44) lives with her sons Teun (7) and Willem (3) in Haarlem. Her husband was diagnosed a year ago: an untreatable brain tumor. A month later he passed away. How do you move on as a family after such a sudden loss? In these columns you get an insight into moments they experience. The first year without dad.
When it is bedtime I first put Willem to bed and then Teun. This way I have one-on-one time with the boys to end the day together. I read to them in bed and now Teun also reads to me. This is a ritual that we don’t step away from, even if it it’s actually too late to go to sleep.
When I put Willem to bed, he searches Daddy Dragon isn’t getting any better out as a textbook. “That’s a sad book,” I say. It’s about a dragon family, where papa dragon slowly loses his powers and can’t get better. He is going to die. The book is about a father who has ALS. Frank didn’t have that, but the storyline; getting sick, getting worse and the doctors who can’t make him better all match.
At the end of the book, when papa dragon has died, Willem says: ‘My papa is also dead’.
He thinks for a moment and asks, “Did daddy have clothes on?”
‘Yes dear, Daddy was wearing clothes, you saw that when Daddy was lying in the coffin and you gave him a hug. Do you remember that?’
He looks at me blankly.
“Wait, I’ll grab the photos.”
In Willem’s bedroom I have a folder with pictures of him and Frank. Of the moments they experienced together: his birth, in the pool, on his lap, making funny faces, his first birthday breakfast. Fortunately there are many photos and I also have recordings on which Frank can be heard in his beautiful dark voice. Shots of him acting crazy and joking with the boys. Or beaming with pride, because they make their first crawling movements or steps.
“My daddy is dead too”
And then there are the photos that tell the story of Frank’s illness. The steps that Teun and Willem need to understand later what actually happened in a short time. Willem says about a photo in the hospital: ‘Daddy is wearing socks’.
“And there’s the picture of you hanging over the coffin, about to fall in and he’s giving Daddy a kiss on the hands. Dad with a dark blue polo. It looked good on him.’
Yes, he was a beautiful, attractive man. When I look at the photos I get butterflies and at the same time a sharp stab in my stomach from missing. Then it really is time for Willem to go to sleep. He protests for a while but finally surrenders. After a few minutes he is already in dreamland. Hopefully dreaming about a daddy dragon who will get better this time and with whom he can experience new adventures.
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