‘My marriage, my rules: We want to spend less time together’
Image: Kyra, HashtagK
Lilian Finn (31) is an author, speaker and designer. She is married to Charles and mother of son Nox (4).
In 2010 I went to the cinema with friends: Sex and the City 2. One scene from that movie has always stayed with me. Carrie tells the girls that she and Big write their own rules in their marriage. Charlotte disagrees and neither does the 2010-version-of-Lilian. I couldn’t imagine that you wouldn’t want to be with your loved one every day. That you would like to live apart for days and not speak to each other. Carrie shrugs and tells everyone to do their own thing.
Just like Carrie
After six years of dating, five years as registered partners, four years as parents and two years married, I fully support Carrie. Hubby and I have always drawn our own plan and chosen what works for us. That meant that I was always on the go and that my husband was the homebody who didn’t have to go out if necessary. he thought. During the pandemic, the walls came down on us. On both of us. The man found out that he was not a homebody; he normally only saw so many people for his work that he liked to be at home in his spare time. I found out that I got more energy out of the door and doing my own thing than literally everything together.
Me time
There are plenty of couples who would like to spend more time together. We just needed to be apart more. That’s why we came up with a rule: Monday and Thursday evenings are me-time. We spend those evenings, as soon as the little one is in bed, as we want, we don’t have to take each other into account. With the footnote that someone must stay at home or a babysitter must be arranged. Funny thing is: generally we stay at home those evenings. I watch a bad movie, read or write something, he paints the latest Warhammer-dolls. We have nothing to do with each other’s hobby, but we do allow each other time to do it.
Comments
At first we got strange reactions to this. Why did we want to spend less time together? You’re together right? Well, that’s right; but i also like to be alone. The longer we do it, the more we can let go of the outside world in this. What makes me very happy is the freedom it unconsciously gives me. In addition to being a wife, mother, friend, colleague, daughter, sister, I now also have room to be myself again.
‘Why did we want to spend less time together? You’re together, aren’t you?’
Is that why life is always fun, now that we choose how we organize (the days of) our marriage? I can tell you one thing, it’s definitely not. We too have our ups and downs. Together and yourself. But precisely because we communicate our needs and take time to work on ourselves, there remains room to grow together. That’s what works for us and is my ideal picture of marriage.
You can read more columns by Lilian here LilianFinn.nl.
