My husband and I have completely different sex needs. What now?’
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Kim (31): ‘We used to make love all the time, but our sex life has been messed up for two years now. And not because I don’t want to anymore, but rather it’s the other way around. I simply want to get off my butt much more often than my husband. That makes me insecure, because does he still find me attractive? Nor do I dare to insist. How do we deal with this difference?’
Sexologist Mandy Ronda: ‘In my practice I very often see that women are more excited than their partner. From the macho culture, this is often expected the other way around, as if men are sexual beasts that always make sense. That puts enormous pressure on men, and it makes women with a higher sex drive than their partner think they’re weird. While it is completely normal and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Also read: Sexologist gives advice: what if your partner no longer wants sex? †
Think of it as an adventure
Incidentally, there is another sexual blueprint: your preferences, your sex drive. You have different types and the trick is to find each other in them without crossing each other’s or your own boundaries. Think of it as an adventure: how do you find each other in the middle?
Discuss what you want and what you want. That doesn’t mean you have to implement it, but you can communicate it. Because if you don’t say it, you’re denying a part of yourself. So put your fantasies on the table, that offers space to come together somewhere. And make a compromise, just like you sometimes do when choosing a restaurant. Maybe your preferences are closer than you think.’
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