‘If I give him a kiss, he will reject me hard’

Image: Unsplash

Nothing about Larissa’s husband is average, not even his sex drive. Larissa can seduce what she wants, if Levi doesn’t want to, then he doesn’t want to.

Larissa (35), married to Levi (35), is mother of sons Luca (14) and Gabriel (11), together they have daughter Vayèn (2):

“My sex life is worthless, I can’t say it better. We do it sparsely and never spontaneously. I’ve always had more sense and need than my husband Levi, but lately it’s been a crisis. I have to announce early in the evening that I want to have sex and ask if he has room in his agenda. And then all the circumstances have to be right: my sons go to their father, the little one in bed, no stress, only on Monday, Thursday or Saturday evening – and then he still has to be in a good mood.

Ten years ago, Levi showed up in my life. I was still in a relationship with the father of my sons and I suddenly received a message via Hyves from a man who was completely foreign to me: ‘Would you like to come along to Mysteryland?’ Well no, I thought it was a crazy proposition. I didn’t know this guy and was also pregnant with my second child. Still, I found him very intriguing and we kept exchanging messages. We had deep conversations and found each other more and more interesting, but nothing intolerable happened.

Goes its own way

It was only after my ex and I broke up seven years ago that we first saw each other in real life. That happened in a way that I would immediately advise my daughter against and never tell her: after a failed date, I texted Levi if he had time. He was at home and I was very welcome. In the evening I went alone to Amsterdam-Zuidoost, to a man I had never met. But I looked into Levi’s eyes and knew it was right. We chatted until midnight and I never left.

The nice thing about Levi is that he is deviant. He’s not your average man. Levi is a musician, has a studio at home, is very ambitious and knows what he wants. He has never had a permanent relationship before me, just some changing contacts. I like that he is strong and gives me resistance. My ex was much softer.

“I like that he is strong in his shoes and gives me resistance”

Levi is also a very sweet stepfather and a great, committed daddy to Vayèn. After the birth of our daughter, I found myself at home with a kind of postpartum depression. Because of corona, he worked a lot at home and he took full care of Vayèn. Got up every three hours for the night feeds without whining. But Levi is also a bit strange and goes completely his own way. I think he has autistic traits. On birthdays or when there are visitors, he does not sit down. Even with the maternity visits he didn’t know what to do.

He is fond of discussions, which can easily last for hours, because he always sheds light on the matter from a different perspective. If I have an argument with my sister and I seek support from Levi, he will defend her position. But he is also peculiar and passive in terms of sex. He was a little more active before our daughter arrived, but since we’ve had Vayèn, sex or intimacy doesn’t seem to interest him much. With difficulty we make it twice a month and then only on my initiative.

Also listen to – ‘A lovemaking can start in the morning and end at two in the morning’ >

good lover

The funny thing is that when we do it, the sex is great. Levi is not selfish in bed and is usually a good lover who brings me to orgasm. But yes, we have to do it. I can barely persuade him. If I give him a nice kiss unexpectedly, he rejects me outright: he is not in the right flow. If I put on a nice lingerie set, I first have to hope that he notices. I often immediately get a counter question: maybe I expect something from him now?

He just laughs at me when I beg him to seduce me or grab me hard. He thinks that is precisely the task of women. Or he says loudly that I act awkward when I try to persuade him to have sex.

“I think I’m the only young woman who gets a no so often”

I get that, I’m going to twist myself in increasingly weird ways to arouse feelings of lust in him. I find his rejections difficult. I’m really starting to doubt myself: am I doing something wrong, is it just me or do I have an extremely high libido? I think I’m the only young woman who gets a no so often when she wants to please her man.

The last time

Coincidentally, we last had sex last Saturday, but I was still disappointed. It should have been quite some time. Now the momentum was finally there: Luca and Gabriel out the door, Vayèn was asleep. I had warned before that I wanted to and Levi had considered and accepted sex as an option. So far all fine.

We were in bed and I had put on some nice sultry music. Usually we are busy for at least an hour and a half when we do the full round and we get half of a playlist during a sex party, now the party was over after one song. Levi came and another attempt to get him in the mood failed. Luckily I still had my vibrator that he once bought me because I complained so much.

Our broken sex life

I also need lovemaking for my self-image. As a sign that my husband loves me. Levi has had little love in his youth and he has not learned to express his feelings. He never compliments. I tell him right away when he looks good, often tell him I think he’s a beautiful man. It just doesn’t occur to him to say anything nice about me. Not even when I ask him to be more considerate. Levi doesn’t understand at all that I need someone else to feel good.

“He doesn’t understand at all that I need someone else to feel good”

After seven years of nagging, I’ve given up the fight that he and our broke sex lives will change. There is nothing for it but to accept that Levi has little lust. Conversely, we would be screaming bloody murder if a man did not accept that his wife has less sex drive. I don’t want to argue about this at all. I’d rather sleep peacefully than struggle over sex.”

Would you also like to be interviewed for this column? Then you will receive a ‘fun package’ from EasyToys worth € 75. Mail to redactie@kekmama.nl.

This article appears in Kek Mama 09-2022.

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