“I preached an open relationship. until it went wrong’

I try to find my feet in bed. Not easy. My big belly is in the way. I grab my phone – for the umpteenth time. It is two o’clock in the morning and there is still no trace of beloved Duncan. Duncan let it be known this afternoon that he “might meet with a girl.”

Before my pregnancy I would not have found this to be a problem. But in recent months I’ve turned into a tired, cranky, unattractive version of myself, with a libido below freezing. I thought it would be a cinch for me to continue my fun, active sex life with a kid in the making. haha! What an arrogant hubris. Now for hours I have been thinking incessantly about the father of my unborn baby in the company of another woman, who is all I am not. Slim, spirited, nice, enterprising and horny.

Jealousy

I could always successfully suppress feelings of jealousy. With my ex-lover Milan and with Duncan. Why doesn’t that work now? I keep telling myself not to be so petty. I’m not like that. Never been. I have nothing to fear from another woman. But the uncertainty gnaws at me, rational or not. A voice in my head screams: act while you still can. Man, the inner battle is driving me crazy.

“I have nothing to fear from another woman. But the uncertainty gnaws at me, rational or not.”

At four o’clock in the morning, jealousy takes over. Suddenly I am convinced that I need a bourgeois, monogamous family man. The kind of man who was my specter in ‘a past life’. I’m calling Duncan. Ready to let me know. A second later I get the beep. He pushed me away. I stare at my screen in amazement.

Free Love Relationship

Then I get a message: ‘Honey, I’m cheating a lot. And so home late.’ My body reacts physically to his words, my stomach rebels. With trembling fingers I type: ‘I don’t like this. Come home.’ He doesn’t even read my message. I call him over and over. No sound. It will be five o’clock, six o’clock, seven o’clock and finally eight o’clock. All the while I don’t sleep a wink. I visualize what Duncan and that chick are up to. What torture. How is it possible that I thought this was fine before? Or better yet, that it excited me? A free love affair – what madman would make that up?

At half past eight I hear the front door. Duncan happily walks into the bedroom. “My god honey, it was so horny,” he says excitedly. Never before in human history has a man said this to his heavily pregnant girlfriend. He enthusiastically begins a detailed account of all the exciting events. In the past, I hung on his every word in these kinds of situations. Now I fold my hands over my ears and yell, “Stop, please!”

Game rules

I got to know Duncan when I lived with Milan for six years. Milan and I had an open relationship. I liked the security of a permanent lover, but I didn’t feel like saying no to temptations for the rest of my life. And Milan also enjoyed ‘extramarital’ sex from time to time. So doing it with others, was allowed. Only there were rules: an affair was strictly forbidden and we didn’t talk to each other about what we were up to. I firmly believed that I could combine a relationship with excitement and adventure. And I liked the idea that our love wouldn’t break because of cheating, as I so often saw happening around me. For a while I was lyrical. I preached the open relationship like a missionary.

Until it went wrong. The secrets made Milan and I estranged. And what sounded so good in theory, turned out not to work for me in practice: keeping love for the relationship and exciting sex for the outdoorsmen. Before I knew it, these things were hopelessly mixed up.

“Suddenly I understood what ‘the flesh is weak’ means.”

But it wasn’t until I ran into Duncan that I really got into trouble. Duncan was meant to be a one night stand. But you don’t meet again with a one-night stand. And again. And again. I didn’t want to screw things up. But my god, suddenly I understood what ‘the flesh is weak’ means. My ideals about openness and honesty turned out to be paper thin. And the inevitable happened: my relationship with Milan was on the rocks.

Experiment

Duncan turned out to be a keeper. Not that things immediately went smoothly between us. I was in an existential crisis. The sex journalist who privately had no idea how to proceed with sex and love. Because the fact that an open relationship like the one I had with Milan didn’t work for me, it was clear to me. But then what?

Duncan and I experimented a bit: we went to erotic parties, had a trio and later even a quartet. It was a thrill to experience that together. And so we grew organically into what we call ‘a candid relationship’. In a nutshell, we both think it’s normal that we find others attractive. We talk about desires and fantasies. We try to keep it a little exciting when it comes to sex by trying new things. We prefer to experiment together. But we don’t forbid each other. ‘Individual sex’ with third parties is also on the menu. We give each other something, even if it takes a little effort. A donkey does not hit the same stone twice. So we discuss and tell everything, do nothing secretly.

Desire

I felt a lot that night during my pregnancy. Anger, disgust, desire, jealousy. For the first time in my life I wanted to own a man. I wanted him to be mine, only to desire me. I was mad at Duncan. Although I knew full well that this was wrong.

Duncan was not to blame. Someone who only knows the facts – man fucks outside the door while his pregnant girlfriend is desperately waiting for him – thinks: hang that Duncan on the highest tree, what a dick! But I convinced him years ago that monogamy is unfeasible. That it is not a deadly sin to give in to temptations, as long as you are honest. And honest he was.

“I wanted to remain the tough, open-minded, sexually free-spirited woman at all costs.”

The problem, of course, was that Duncan no longer found me attractive at that point. And yes. I could understand him, but it was disastrous for my ego. That he longed for someone else bothered me mainly because our sex life was jerky at the time. We did. But ‘the real meaning’ was hard to find. And I noticed that Duncan didn’t like my bulging body – even though he denied it vehemently. Stupidly enough, I did my best, rather than be honest about my feelings. Even though the hormones were coursing through my body, even though I felt unstable and vulnerable, I wanted to remain the tough, open-minded, sexually free-spirited woman at all costs.

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Every stage of life

The day after the incident I vented my heart to my friend Noor. She empathized with me and took the opportunity to enter into a discussion. Noor is in favor of monogamy. She’s always believed that Duncan and I are putting our relationship on the line by tying the cat to the bacon. “You are having a child. Wasn’t it nice with all that hassle?” she asked. I let her question sink in for a moment. Do I want a monogamous relationship till death do us part? “No”, was my determined answer in the end. My principles have not changed. I still believe that lifelong monogamy is unfeasible. Not for everyone, but for Duncan and me. The idea of ​​having one sex partner for the rest of my life oppresses me. How boring!

” Even being jealous has its advantages. I feel stronger than ever: Duncan is my great love.”

And not only that. I enjoy seeing my beloved – from time to time – through the eyes of a ‘new wife’. It makes me realize how special he is, how attractive. Something that I sometimes lose sight of during the daily worries. The result of our adventures is standard: more sense in each other. Even being jealous has its advantages. I feel stronger than ever: Duncan is my great love. “But I’ve learned from this,” I said to Noor. “Sex with others becomes a completely different story when your own sex life leaves something to be desired. From now on I will be one hundred percent honest about what I feel.”

Free love may not suit every stage of life. And that’s okay. Still a nice insight – just before the birth of our son.

World upside down

Now, twelve months later, a lot has changed. A lot. A baby turns your world upside down. And man, what a challenge it was to keep up our sex and love life! My lust was even lower in the first months of the baby than during my pregnancy. Logical. We barely slept. And I was troubled by my flaccid body and my watermelons of breasts that leaked milk non-stop.

Of course, it’s amazing what a woman’s body can endure. I know that. But I didn’t feel sexy at all. Not surprising that there was no room for ‘exciting excursions’. Keeping up with my own husband was already a challenge. And also later, when I slowly but surely got back to my old self, the energy for sex outside the door was missing. Okay, corona didn’t help either. Contact with others often arises spontaneously while going out. Now that that wasn’t an option, only Tinder was left. The need was not that great – neither of us.

Closer to each other

Life has been tough this past year. Still, luck prevailed. It is true that a child puts a bomb under your relationship. But the reverse is also true: a baby can bring you closer than I thought possible—as long as you keep investing in your relationship. As long as you prevent your loved one from feeling like your brother or sister.

“It’s true that a child puts a bomb under your relationship, but the reverse is also true.”

Sometimes I miss the grand and compelling life, the adventure. But so far not enough to move into action. More than a year after I gave birth, I’m still as monogamous as can be. It must be the leftover hormones. We’ll see when that changes.

Marith previously wrote about her relationship troubles in her book (S)experimenten. Her latest book Mijn lust en mijn leven, a humorous and honest report about the effect of pregnancy and a baby on your sex and love life, has just been published (€ 17.50, Prometheus).

This article appears in Kek Mama 13-2021.

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