‘I only started to enjoy sex after the birth of the youngest’

Lisa (36), married to Daniel (37), daughter Jasmijn (9) and son Liam (7):

“Birthdays in the pub where the woman first sits until ten o’clock on two mint tea and a glass of rosé and then the man comes to relieve her at 10.15 pm, are very common in our circle of friends. I think it’s an abomination. Daniel and I hire a babysitter or make phone calls. But when we go, always at the same time. Those are the moments that made life enjoyable before we had children.

In any case, we think it is important that we continue to do fun things together, such as a party, but also a weekend away. We were there before the children and it is also in their interest that we keep it cozy and do not get into a rut. I think the same attitude has ensured that, after more than twenty years together, we still love each other so much and have an active sex life.

Intimacy

Daniel and I were 15 when we started dating. It went out briefly a few more times before our twentieth birthday. He then shared the bed with another two and I once, but we don’t have any more sexual experience. We discovered everything together. In those early years I was blue. I saw sex as something that was part of a relationship, but I experienced it. I hardly dared to say what I liked and what not. Actually, that only came after the birth of the youngest. I started exercising a lot and gained more and more self-confidence. We had sex again six weeks after the birth. Remove stitches and go, go again. It was exciting and if I just said ‘ouch’, Daniel immediately stopped. But it was especially nice to be intimate again.

“Remove stitches and go, go again. It was especially nice to be intimate again.”

Despite the small children and broken nights, I was full of energy. I felt completely woman and became more approachable and easier. I made jokes like, “I have my period tomorrow, so if you still want it, you have to do it tonight.” Or I texted Daniël when he was working in the garden that I was upstairs and wanted some fun. That worked well for us. I also honestly indicated that the fidgeting was not necessary for me. Daniel is a good lover. Sweet, tough and masculine. He also loves the long foreplay: caressing, kissing, massaging. But I don’t always need a run-up of an hour and a half. I also like a quickie on the couch or in the shower every now and then. In any case, not always calibrated in bed at night. There are plenty of other moments and places to think of.

Migraine

But the biggest change is that I relax more. I am a wispy type and was often ‘in my head’. Also during sex. I could only with difficulty
letting go of everything: the household, work, children, school, my mother-in-law’s birthday and my fear of migraine. I have struggled with severe migraines since childhood. I have an attack at least four times a week. At such moments I have a splitting headache and I have to go straight to heavy painkillers. Making love is not an option then. But that’s exactly why I also felt the pressure to have sex now, because maybe in a few hours I’ll be floored in bed again.

Over the years I have learned to be more mindful and to live more in the here and now. I try to surrender more to the moment: ‘I spend these twenty minutes on sex and nothing else’. The migraine still keeps cropping up and often spoils the game when it comes to intimacy, but I don’t worry about it anymore beforehand. Sometimes I’m lucky: I wake up at half past two from the pain, take my medication and in the morning I’m off again. It then ‘only’ costs me my night’s sleep.

Got caught

Normally, have sex two to four times a week. If we spend a night together in a hotel, we can easily make it in one day, but if we are on a family holiday, it may only be once a week. A tent cloth or creaky bed does not increase libido.

In any case, now that the children are getting older, I find it more scary to do it when they are at home. Jasmijn and Liam used to go downstairs early on Sunday mornings to watch cartoons and we could play together upstairs for a while. But Jasmine has been sleeping late lately. We have an old house with thin walls and the rooms are close together. I hate the idea that she can hear us. But if we can only do it when they are fast asleep or out of the house, it won’t happen. That is why we usually sex up in the spoon-spoon position. If the children burst into our bedroom, it seems as if we are just snuggled together.

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Take initiative

Sometimes I surprise Daniel with a lingerie set or panties with an open crotch. We don’t use toys, we never thought about that. Although Daniel recently confessed that it seemed exciting to him to order handcuffs. An entry-level model, no BDSM cuffs. We discussed what we would like to do before we turn 60 and this is what he said.

I don’t have any great wishes myself. A threesome or with a woman? no way. It will be more the variety of positions for me, I want to experiment a bit more. Like last week. I wore a nice dress but had no tights on and lured Daniël into the kitchen. The children were at school, but we could have easily been caught, because my mother-in-law regularly blows in spontaneously and the curtains hung open. That would have been an embarrassing display, and it added a special touch to our lovemaking.

“You don’t have to call that ‘making sense’ as something negative, I see it as a compliment.”

Daniel is the one who takes the most initiative. Linda de Mol once said that as a woman you sometimes have to make sense – she later took that back, because that was no longer possible after me-too. But I think sometimes it’s okay. Daniel works hard, is a nice father, does everything in the house and is crazy about me. Why not join in the fun, even though I just wanted to watch a TV series? You don’t have to describe this ‘making sense’ as something negative, I see it as a compliment. My husband thinks I’m sexy and still turns on me after all these years.”

Would you also like to be interviewed for this column? Mail to editorial@kekmama.nl.

This article can be found in Kek Mama 02-2022.

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