‘I dread the fact that our foster child will ask about her past’

Image: Getty Images

Henrike (37) has had a foster daughter at home full-time since 2021; the girl, Mina, is now 3. Henrike has three children with her husband Sven: Lize (9), Joris (12) and Stijn (16).

“When we met Mina for the first time, I immediately knew: she fits us. Such a cute, happy girl. After that it went quickly, she even went on holiday with us right away. Fortunately, that went very well, because she turned out to be so easy; the anger that many foster children struggle with did not materialise. But I soon found out that she was so cheerful out of fear, because she’d learned that pleasing helps her stay out of trouble. To discover that and to see her suffer in silence like this was terrible.

Two dads and moms

I still think that’s the hardest part about being a foster parent, because she feels like my own child. The moment she stepped in here, there was immediately that sense of responsibility: I’m here for you, I’ll take care of you. Exactly what I do with my own children. That also ensures that she immediately fits in completely. Our children feel the same way: Mina is their sister. Our oldest teenage son Stijn always prefers to trudge to his room after dinner, but never before giving her a big hug first.

We tell Mina that she has two moms and dads: us, her daddy Michael (not his real name, ed.) Who she sees every other week under supervision, and her mother, with whom there is no contact. She never asks about it, nor does she remember anything except that she lives here: this is her home.

Read also – Jacolien only sees her children at weekends: ‘Everyone seems to like it’ >

With different eyes

Mina is doing a lot better now, but we still need to teach her that she can also listen to herself and say no. For example, in the beginning she ate everything we put on the table; she didn’t dare say she didn’t like something. And when we warned our dog, she looked at us with wide eyes, afraid of what would happen. I’ve learned to look at her with different eyes when she smiles: is this right, isn’t she too cheerful? When I ask her at such a moment if she is really happy, I immediately see tears in her eyes.

foster care

Through experiences in my own family I was already familiar with foster care, I know that a normal childhood is not self-evident. But the arrival of Mina makes me realize even more that there is so much misery among children, and I notice that my own children see that better now too. They do not come across these kinds of stories in their daily lives, it is soon a far-from-your-bed show.

It looks like Mina will stay with us for the time being. What I struggle with is when she starts asking about her past and why she’s with us. I find that idea heartbreaking, because I will have to explain that her mother no longer wanted to take care of her. I find it very difficult that she becomes aware of that.”

Also room for an extra plate at the table?

If parents are temporarily unable to care for their child and care within their own network is not possible, the child will go to a family from the database of a foster care organisation.

There are different types of foster care: crisis, for as long as necessary and part-time. The latter form is most common. Families then regularly take care of a child during the weekend and part of the holidays or on a few weekdays. Parents who need this support are, for example, single mothers who can take a breather thanks to foster care. But also children who live in institutions and thus still experience the dynamics of family life. In the case of crisis foster care and foster care for as long as necessary, the child will be placed in the foster family full-time.

For an overview of foster care organisations, go to www.fostercare.nl/fostercareorganizations

Post Views: 0