‘I am happy with what I have, but that is independent of the wish for a second child’
Image: Unsplash
Fockelien (32) gave birth to her son Sam (2) after several IVF attempts. They also went on this route for a second, but this time it didn’t work out.
“We knew that IVF is the only option for us to have children. With the first I only got pregnant after seven attempts. The doctors had said there was a 10 percent chance that I would get pregnant through IVF, as opposed to less than one percent naturally, because my husband appeared to be producing hardly any sperm cells. We went for it.
It was a kind of survival strategy: it would never be our effort. We had the feeling that it would be fine. And Sam was fortunately born perfectly healthy. I did get preeclampsia, so the advice was not to get pregnant again within a year.
IVF trajectories
Around Sam’s first birthday, the circus started again. I had the feeling that it would work a second time. My body now knew how to do it. In addition, the desire for a second was so strong, there was plenty of room in our hearts, in our house… We went into it positively.
But this time the sperm yield turned out to be so bad that they had to search two or three hours to find one or two good sperm cells. We then evaluated what we would do. The hospital dared to take it again after one round, but my husband and I decided together: that will be the last.
“My husband and I decided together: that will be the last round”
Mainly because I found it mentally tough. The hormones that were injected into my body did not make me happy. Before Sam, I could go to bed for a day if I didn’t feel okay, but I couldn’t now. And I wanted to be there for him.
Black hole
Also, no one was allowed to go to the hospital because of corona, I found that so difficult. From the last puncture treatment we had two replacements, both of which did not stay in place. When we heard that, we fell into a black hole. Such an IVF trajectory controls your life. It was very difficult to lose everything at once.
I went to therapy to process that. We sent a message to our friends and family at the end of last year: ‘We really wanted to end this year differently, but we couldn’t. We are sad, but we are also very happy for the future with the three of us. We’re going to make something beautiful out of it.’
Also read – ‘The chance that we will succeed in having a second child is actually as good as zero’ >
“When is a second coming?”
One of the hardest things I’ve found lately is comments from others. Someone asked, “Why don’t you get a donor?” When I said that I would like to have two children from the same father, I got the response: ‘So you really don’t want a second child that much.’ Those kinds of comments stay with you.
“’Now you definitely want a girl.’ As if I was doing that”
‘Ah, you’ve got one’, or, ‘Well, you’ll probably have a surprise baby’, as if that’s how it works! Apparently it is considered a very normal question: ‘When will there be a second?’ Or during the treatment: ‘Now you definitely want a girl.’ Like I was doing that.
Room
The sadness remains, but slowly I see space being created for other things. We are going to redecorate the house and we like to travel, which is easy with one child. And I now know: the sadness may be there, that does not detract from the love for your first child. Of course I am happy with what I have, but that is independent of the wish for a second, or a third – or whatever.”
This article can be found in Kek Mama 07-2022.
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