Helen (29) married to Koen (30), mother of Dani and Xavi (4): “The idea was fun. Twins in our bed for their afternoon nap, mom and dad on the sofa bed in the living room at the sexiesta. But not handy when the chambermaids were doing their cleaning rounds in our apartment. And nowhere such a rotten ‘do not disturb’card to be found.
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Koen deliberately stood on the lookout and made it clear with hands and feet that they could skip our room. I don’t think they understood him, because in the middle of our lovemaking, the Spanish cleaning lady came in with a pile of clean towels that she dropped from her hands in shock as she exclaimed: ‘Dios mio!’ I was just as embarrassed, would have preferred to check out immediately.”
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Gwendolyn (33), married to Roy (37), mother of Gean (5): “We went to the south of France for three weeks with my in-laws. We were all in a luxury mobile home, very handy to share the care for our enterprising toddler. After a few days of abstinence – we really wouldn’t do it with his parents around – we were ready to go.
All the places we screened for possible intercourse were rejected: too dirty, too small, too crowded. Then only in the caravan and at whisper level. We realized that that was even too hard when we were having breakfast in the morning and my father-in-law said, winking just a little too often, that he had been young too. Apparently the cardboard walls of the mobile home didn’t stop anything.”
Dagmar (40), married to Liesbeth (39), mother of Gijs (4): “Gijsje was lying in bed after a whole day of strolling through Barcelona, Lies and I took a shower together. At first not for a lovemaking, but it eventually became. Because we were at it for so long – think of two women washing their hair, then depilating, lathering each other’s bodies and then having sex – an incredible amount of steam had entered the bedroom from the bathroom. So much so that the smoke alarm went off and raged. The result: a child awakes crying, half the hotel on stilts, security at the door and we apologize for the inconvenience with two bright red heads.”
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Juud (31), friend Hessel (33) and daughter Mex (2.5): “We had arrived at our apartment in Greece the night before. The flying and the trip with Mex, our toddler of one, had gone well and we were all in on time. At six in the morning, Mex stood up in her crib: “Mommy awake!” We gave her my phone with a video of Peppa Pig so we could laze around a bit.
Since we knew Mex was safe in the crib with her beloved cartoon, we lay caressing and hugging each other and went one step further. We were just getting started when Hessel’s phone rang: his brother called. We were startled. My brother-in-law never calls, let alone at 6:15 am. There had to be something bad. It was, just slightly different than we thought.
My brother-in-law asked very dryly, ‘Do you know you’re live on Facebook?’ With my heartbeat in my throat, I snatched the phone from Mex’s hands. Exactly how she did it is still a mystery to me. But it was true, while we were having sex, she filmed us. At least, you didn’t see us live in action, but you did see the ceiling, walls, sheets and a piece of my buttocks. But you heard all the more. And I had another heart attack when it turned out that these 33 seconds of “porn” had been saved by Facebook and later brought as a post from me.
I didn’t know how soon to destroy those images, but I still saw how many ‘views’ we had had. The damage was not too bad, although 21 viewers still had our lovemaking at this early hour. No idea who by the way. Only my brother-in-law has revealed himself, he likes to joke about it. We have been extremely cautious ever since. I think Mex is also the only toddler in the Netherlands without an iPad.”
Lara (29), married to Tim (30), pregnant with their first child: “We celebrated our honeymoon in Curaçao. After a few days we wanted to have a quiet day at the beach, without loads of tourists. We rented a car, drove for an hour, until we saw a completely deserted beach. Once swimming and kissing, we thought it would be fun to do it in the sea. Our swimwear came out in no time and we tied them around our wrists. While we were having a great time, we suddenly saw air bubbles all around us. A little later followed by a group of divers who appeared around us in full uniform and formed the ok sign with their thumb and forefinger, underwater the signal that everything is going well. I was ashamed, didn’t know how quickly I had to put my bikini back on.”
Lotte (28), married to Lucas (29), is in the middle of an IVF pregnancy process: “It was summer 2012, Lucas and I were both doing internships abroad and came for a short holiday to a campsite in Belgium where my parents have a permanent pitch. We slept in a tent next to my parents’ and my brother was lying in the pimple next to us, as always. The need was great, but the possibilities limited. We decided to retire to the shower together. There were several family cubicles where you could wash with your children at the same time. Lucas and I sneaked into one of them.
After we had massaged each other in the shower and he took me half against the wall, we stepped outside satisfied again. There was now a huge line of people who looked at us mockingly and shaking their heads. Only then did I see the black floor, shining through the water, which acted like a mirror. The queue of people waiting could have followed our contours and with it the entire lovemaking.”
This article appears in Kek Mama 08-2021.
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