‘Be strong one more time’

Image: Instagram

Kim Feenstra’s greatest wish is a little brother or sister for Brooklyn (2.5), but getting pregnant is not an obvious thing for her. She shares a photo of dozens of syringes and tablets and an emotional poem about the journey she is on. “A thousand tears.”

‘Be brave.

On the waiting bench.
Another test.
Negative.
Lurch.
Straight through my heart.
Result on the test.
1 stripe.
Fucking negative.
But I have to,
Fuck positive
To stay.
shit.
‘Hello, this is the outpatient fertility clinic’
Failed again? I’m sorry. Are you okay ma’am?’
Everything in me screams: No!
But my mouth gently says: Yes.
Do not Cry.
Still be good.
Pause, stop or continue?
Get on.
Teeth together.
Another shot.
Another pill.
Hundred pills.
Lost count.
Am I.
The hormones.
The nasty hormones.
‘We do it for a good cause’
We?
I feel alone.
My body.
Where am I?
Who is she?
I know her,
But I don’t recognize her.
Full courage.
Another round.
Be equally good.
Healthy food.
To move.
folic acid.
Bla bla bla.
Brooklyn.
Our beautiful Brooklyn.
Light and Love.
Already blessed with a child.
Beautiful.
Is he.
Satisfying.
Are we.
Squeeze hands.
Heap.
Be good again.
Wishes.
Manifest.
Disappointment.
Pain.
Tears.
They come.
They flow.
Who carries my heart?
A heart of lead
Guilt.
I must be happy.
I am ‘already’ a mom.
We are ‘already’ parents
Maybe they never.
I give it to them too.
Guilt again.
Sadness.
Thousand tears.
Lost count.
There is warmth in our hearts
There is room in my stomach.
In our house too.
Enough.
Come on.
Come on.
Still be good.
Be strong one more time.
❤️’

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