Amelia on secondary childlessness: ‘It feels like our grief shouldn’t be there’

It is December 2012 when, to her great surprise, Amelia is already within three months with a positive test in her hands. A carefree pregnancy follows and after a beautiful birth, Amelia and Stanley become parents of a perfectly healthy son at over 41 weeks. “We were immediately on a pink cloud,” Amelia says proudly. “And although in the years that followed I especially found the toddlerhood to be tough, my husband and I knew, partly because of the good relationship we have with our sisters, that our family was not yet complete.”

Weak seed

Just before son Reyan starts primary school, Amelia and Stanley decide to have a second child. “Of course you hope that pregnancy will be that easy again, but we also knew that it could take a year. That’s why we were very relaxed in the beginning.” Only after thirteen months of unsuccessful attempts, the couple cautiously begin to wonder if something could be wrong. “That first step to the doctor was quite a thing, but we immediately got clarity: Stanley has weak sperm and that could mean two things: either the quality has deteriorated in a few years, or our son Reyan was a miracle.”

Amelia and Stanley are immediately faced with a difficult choice, because will they give up their secondary desire for children or will they go into the medical mill? The couple doesn’t have to think twice: “We really want a brother or sister for Reyan.”

Disappointed

An intensive ICSI program follows for years. Embryo after embryo does not stick and every failed transfer feels like a huge disappointment to Amelia. Especially when she learns that Reyan is the only child in his class without a brother or sister. “I sometimes felt powerless and disappointed in my body. If my son asks several times why he doesn’t have a brother or sister yet, my heart breaks.”

“Reyan had to fill out a THIS AM me form at school. “I have 0 sisters and 0 brothers.”

‘Fantastic that this is possible’

The grief, but also the grueling hospital visits: not everyone can understand that Amelia and her husband go so far as to make their secondary wish for children come true. “Then they say: ‘But you already have a child, don’t you?’ At such a moment it feels like your sadness should not be there, but I know that they have no bad intentions with this. That is why I always respond very openly: our wish is so great, I would like to have tried it. I think it’s fantastic that the medical world makes this possible. Then why not take advantage of it?”

on the brake

In 2020, Amelia’s dream seems to come true after a positive pregnancy test after a positive pregnancy test. Unfortunately, three weeks later, she is told that the baby has stopped growing. A miscarriage follows with an aftermath of six months, including three surgeries. After another ICSI attempt with failed relocation last summer, Amelia puts the brakes on.

“I had to take a break for a while,” she says. “A hospital trajectory like this controls a large part of your life and demands a lot from my body. In addition, we have one last frozen embryo. We will (probably) have these put back in early next year, so until then I want to take good care of myself. In recent years I have been increasingly busy being grateful, even when things don’t go the way you hoped. By making time to consciously reflect on what I can be grateful for today, I am stronger in my shoes. So should this very last transfer fail again? Then we leave it at this in the medical process – this is our limit. We are getting older and as a result the chance of pregnancy is getting smaller and smaller.”

Happy

In addition, Amelia does not want her son to suffer. “Because of the treatments, everything is now on pause, while we still want to do so many fun things in our lives. Despite the lack of a second child, I believe that our life is already very good this way. That we can get a lot more out of that and that we can also be intensely happy as a family, with or without a second miracle.”

On Instagram, Amelia candidly talks about her trajectory and the taboo surrounding unwanted (secondary) childlessness. Do you want to follow her? Then click here.

Every first week of November is the European Week of Fertility. This year this theme week will be organized for the sixth time. As an official partner of Fertility Europe, the initiator of the European Fertility Week, Freya – the association for people with fertility problems – gives substance to this in the Netherlands.