‘We are playing with fire by having so little sex’

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Estelle (40), 10 years together with Laurens (49), son Damiàn (2.5).

“’Hey brother, how are you’, I tease my friend Laurens when I get up. Or I suggest buying two single beds, since we don’t do anything exciting between the sheets anyway. My quasi-funny remarks sound cheerful, but have a serious undertone. I worry about our slack, dozed off sex life. It’s creeping in more and more to not do it at all anymore.

Passion killer

Sex is not a priority for either of us, it has never even made the top three in our relationship. When we got to know each other, we did it about three times a week. But that quickly dropped to an average of once a week. Not excessive, just okay.

“Love is apparently a passion killer”

Sex was not an animal lust with us either. Not that gasping and pulling at each other’s clothes and being on all the time, as I had known with former boyfriends. They were preferably from those real estate men with a smooth talk; fine as a bed partner, not suitable as a life partner. My relationship with Laurens is based on love, trust and mutual respect. But apparently love is a passion killer.

After-effects

Since we had a child, sex has dropped drastically on the to-do list. We are overjoyed if we can spend a lazy evening on the couch or sleep well through the night, because the alarm goes off at half past five in the morning. Especially since Damiàn is a bad sleeper.

He often haunts until eleven at night and prefers to creep in between us in the middle of the night. He gently pushes us apart so that he is safely in the middle. We also have no family where he can stay, so there are always three of us. Spontaneous sex when you wake up is not an option. But what definitely has its negative effect on our sex life is the postpartum depression I got after Damiàn was born. I still struggle with the after effects of it.

During pregnancy, my husband found sex very uncomfortable because of my big belly, so that went on hold. We’ll catch up, we thought, but it took a year before it happened again. Once I gave birth, I deteriorated mentally. I was depressed, all I could do was cry and I didn’t want my child. I wasn’t in the mood for anything, and my head was certainly not set on intimacy.

Also read – ‘Besides parents, we want to remain lovers: how do you get through the tropical years with a sex life?’ >

Medication

After six months in vain ringing the bell at my GP, I finally got good medication, in the right dose. The antidepressants did their job and luckily I recovered. I’m still taking them and feeling a lot better. I adore my child and life smiles at me again. I can’t and don’t want to go without pills anymore.

It is also the reason that we do not dare to start a second one. Sometimes I have doubts about a brother or sister for Damiàn. But for the same money we get a crying baby or a child who is sick. And I’m terrified that I’ll sink into the depths again if I have to stop taking the pills temporarily.

“For the same money we get a crying baby or a child who is sick”

I’m probably missing a certain substance and I’ll have to take antidepressants for the rest of my life. That’s fine, but unfortunately they have the side effect of lowering libido. So that wasn’t high for me, but it’s even less now.

Laurens is not concerned about it. We have a great time together, it will work itself out, is his opinion. But I think we should be careful. The danger of a slipper is lurking. Both from his side and from me. It has already happened that I fell in love with someone else. I didn’t do anything with that, but we’re playing with fire by having so little sex. Although Laurens thinks that’s nonsense: ‘You know I love you, you love me, we really don’t just give that up for a one-night stand.’

Holidays

It’s so hard to bring the passion back into our relationship. Before Damiàn arrived, going on vacation worked great. Nice two weeks away, the stress of everyday life off, sunshine and then hop into the hotel bed. We just did it three times a day.

But last holiday there was no time for a see-saw in between, because Damiàn demanded all the attention. Life with a young child is busy. We both work full time, follow studies and alternate times to be with Damiàn as much as possible. Only Sunday is our day off together, all other moments we have to plan together.

“A comment like: ‘Shall we go, we haven’t done it for so long’ takes away all spontaneity”

We’ve tried to put sex on the agenda. But when it was actually half past eight on Thursday evening, I thought it was so stupid to have compulsory sex that I dropped out. I feel the same way when Laurens lies against me with a: ‘Shall we do it then, we haven’t done it for so long.’ Such a comment takes away all spontaneity.

Night rest

Recently a good friend suggested that Damiàn stay with her for a night, so that I had all the time for a super romantic weekend with my husband. Especially for that purpose I had bought a kind of Kamasutra game with exciting questions and erotic assignments, ordered sushi, lit candles and put on a nice lingerie set.

The evening also started great. I put the The Handmaid’s Tale and we lay hand in hand next to each other on the couch. But at ten o’clock our eyelids fell. We were dead tired. Laurens laughed and asked if I wasn’t cold in that set, so I put on my familiar night shirt in bed. We slept through in one go and didn’t wake up until about nine o’clock. Sexually a huge turn off. Apparently, at this stage, we simply need more sleep than lust.”

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