‘Women don’t have to explain why they want or don’t want children’

September 19, 2022 Luisa Rey

Patricia van Liemt is a radio host, writer and mother of Maria (12) and Phaedra (9). Every Friday she writes accurate, honest, funny and above all recognizable columns about her life and motherhood.

I am aware that I am taking a risk in writing this column, because for the sake of convenience I assume, given the target audience, that everyone who reads this column is either a mother or a father.

And yet I would like to share the story of my girlfriend. She doesn’t want children and society doesn’t understand that at all. People judge anything but softly.

Our body and our time

Let me start with the fact that I think women don’t even need to explain why they want or don’t want children. What we do with our bodies, our time and our resources is nobody’s business but our own.

“What we do with our bodies is nobody’s business but our own”

And yet I see my girlfriend burdened by the internalized pressure to become a mother.

But, she doesn’t want children. Not now and never not. She’s never had that feeling, and now that she’s in her late thirties, an age that many people say her ovaries are probably still showing, she still hasn’t.

Social expectations

A harsh sentence is especially pronounced if the choice to go through life child-free is made by a woman, because how can she deprive her partner of parenthood and how can she hinder her parents (in-law) from the wealth and happiness of grandparenting stand?

“A harsh sentence is especially pronounced if the choice is made by a woman”

The decision not to have children weighs very heavily on a woman, on my friend, because of the complex burden of social expectations, while she herself is very convinced of her own decision.

Also read – Shame: ‘Do you really want to have a child in these times of climate crisis and food scarcity?’ >

Searching for a reason

We are so eager to explain it. ‘She must have had a bad childhood herself’ or ‘she thinks her career is more important’ or ‘she will regret that’. There must be a reason she doesn’t want children, otherwise ‘we’ don’t understand.

“And let’s face it: parenthood is really not all alone rainbows and confetti“

It’s hard for society to digest that it gets its enjoyment from life other than raising little people. And let’s face it: parenthood isn’t all alone rainbows and confetti.

My girlfriend wants to travel, she doesn’t want to spend her money on expensive childcare, she doesn’t feel like giving birth in hell and besides, she doesn’t think the world is an ideal place to raise an innocent child.

And that is her right.

Would you rather listen to Patricia’s columns? You can do that below, on Spotify.