‘We didn’t want a divorce, so now we both have our own house’

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Isabel and her husband Michiel have what Isabel calls a LAFT relationship: Living Apart Family Together. She and her husband both have their own house, in a courtyard, a few meters away from each other.

“At a certain point Michiel and I concluded: we have grown apart, there is too much friction, it is better not to continue living in the same house. We had three children in quick succession. The first period was survival, with work and parenting. We lost each other along the way. That felt lonely, but we didn’t want a divorce, that idea made us both very sad. But it was clear that something had to change.

“We did not want a divorce, that idea made us both very sad”

We came up with a construction in which we allowed each other more space, but did not have to let go of each other completely. We found the ideal housing option: with a group of people we bought a lot, on which we all built our own house. That felt adventurous and was financially feasible.

Creativity

Our children are teenagers aged 11, 13 and 14. I thought it was important that they all get their own room on their own floor, which they could furnish as they wish. I gave them a budget and said, ‘Here, you can decide for yourself what you want in your room, what color, what furniture. Make something fun of it.’ That helped them to become enthusiastic about this project.

Moreover, the group with whom we built the houses is very nice: they are young people, creative, easy, different. We lived in a neat neighborhood where everyone meets a certain standard, quite tiring at times. Now we live among all kinds of different creative types, we all enjoy that.

I live with the children in our house, Michiel in his apartment. He has designed a beautiful house, it is very peaceful and well thought out. Two evenings a week the children have dinner with me, two with him, two together. It is the intention that the children will be with him more often in the future. That’s one more work in progress.

Read also – Open relationship: ‘The children also prefer this to us getting a divorce’ >

Freedom

From the first moment I lived here, a few months now, I feel so much more freedom. For example, I noticed that I suddenly call my friends extensively again, I haven’t done that in fifteen years. So bizarre. I apparently couldn’t find the privacy, but now I can do what I want, I don’t have to worry about someone sitting next to me. I also do a lot of fun things. I have my own company, started as a volunteer at an event organization, take sailing lessons and at the weekend I take lessons at the art academy.

In this house I have a room all to myself: a studio, a workspace, just a room with no clear function. I notice that I especially like that about my own house: everything is mine, I can go my own way. That’s how I started cooking extensively again. I always really liked doing that, but for a long time I didn’t have the energy to do it. Now I have more energy and I grab my cookbooks and invite friends over for a nice meal. We can then have conversations in complete freedom, that’s how nice it is.

Ideal family shape

I am happy with the freedom, but there is still a lot of work to be done before we have found the ideal family form, such as a private room for the children at Michiel’s house. It remains to be seen how our relationship will develop.

“What I have learned from this adventure so far: that everything can be made.”

What I have learned from this adventure so far: that everything can be made. Everything you want is possible. For that you have to be honest with yourself and your partner. And occasionally test yourself: is this still what I want? Is it still fun? What did we like? Is that still the case or do we want to change something?

I know, change can be scary, but changes can also make life more fun. Changes are part of it, everything is constantly moving. Fortunately, I would say.”

This article appears in Kek Mama 11-2022.

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