Vera has no need for sex due to sexual abuse: ‘I just think it’s dirty’

“I have never had sex since my divorce in 2017. I no longer need it at all. In any case, sex was already very difficult in my marriage. From my second year until well after puberty, I was sexually abused by several family members. My association with sex is therefore negative. I struggle with PTSD, so every touch and every form of intimacy stir up bad thoughts. I also prefer not to French kiss or solo sex.

Helen

When I met my ex-husband in 2008, I told him about my background. I also immediately said that sex was very emotional for me. Martin understood that. He was sweet and involved, but also believed that he could ‘heal’ me. I just had to get positive experiences first, then it would all work itself out.

We did it regularly for the first few years. Then I bit my aversion and passively endured the lovemaking. Until my oldest daughter was born. It turned my emotional life upside down and made my hidden memories come alive. I could barely bear my husband’s touch, my whole body protested when he tried to caress me. I started avoiding him. When we were sitting on the couch together and he wanted to kiss me, I would quickly get up, as if he wanted more.

Of course that didn’t work. I loved him and we apparently had a good marriage. I understood that he did have strong sexual desires, but I couldn’t satisfy them anymore. Since I felt I was failing on the physical plane, I offered him an alternative to find someone else for the sex so we could continue together. He did. Unfortunately, that has also become our downfall. He found a sex buddy in our circle of acquaintances, but he also fell madly in love with this woman. Now he lives with her.

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A new life

After he left, I built a new life with my children. I am very happy with them. Cuddling with them feels natural and I try to raise them as best I can, without prejudice. I tell them about the limits of their bodies and hope that they will be able to have normal sexual relations later on.

I don’t see that happening anymore. I take trauma treatment to process my past, but feel no need to treat my aversion to sex. I find sex dirty, painful, unpleasant, but also unnecessary. I don’t need any ‘fuss’ on my body. I would like to fall in love again. I miss a loving relationship, an adult in the house. But the thought of sexual things getting involved scares me.

I hope one day I meet a man who doesn’t have to feign a headache as an excuse. Someone for whom intimacy means walking hand in hand, having deep conversations and the occasional arm around you. I only fear that that is a utopia and that I will be alone forever.”

This article appears in Kek Mama 15-2020.

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