how do you get through the tropics with a sex life?’

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Sex journalist Marith Iedema is sure: a baby will not upset her exciting sex life. A year later she takes stock and has learned a lot.

The afterparty of the high class erotic party Big Little Secrets is in full swing. My friend Duncan and I are in the jacuzzi with three attractive women and a man with the body of a Greek god. We exchange a glance. A look that says: this is great. Our favorite song blares out of the box we brought with us. Duncan puts his arm around me. We kiss.

Despite the warm water, I get goosebumps all over my body. Excitement and euphoria bubble up in my gut. One of the women flatters himself against Duncan. ‘May I?’ She nods to his crotch and then looks at me. It’s allowed. Her head disappears under water.

Exhausted

The memory of better times fades away. Back to reality. Duncan and I are exhausted on the couch – surrounded by toys, dirty hydrophilic cloths and dishes. It is finally quiet in the nursery. Noah’s cry still echoes in my ears. My body feels stiff from the stress. Moaning, I look at the havoc around us. I hate junk. Still, I can’t seem to find any leftover energy anywhere to move on to action.

My son Noah is the sweetest and most beautiful in the whole world, but he does not find life with us undivided pleasure. From birth, he makes his discontent – ​​often day and night – loudly known. I look at Duncan, take his hand. We laugh wearily. “Remember when we used to have spontaneous sex, on the floor, against the counter, here on the couch?”

“Our sex life used to be exciting. We made love to the stars and experimented a bit”

Well. Our sex life used to be exciting. We had a blast in bed – we made love to the stars and experimented a bit. As icing on the cake, we occasionally had a party outside the door. It seems like a different life now.

‘Spontaneous sex… I miss that,’ says Duncan – and he half rises, creeps closer.

Yes, me too. Or well, in theory.

Duncan bends over me. His lips find mine. We kiss. He strokes the inside of my thighs with his right hand.

Crossing a threshold

After I gave birth, the desire for sex was hard to find for a long time. And to make matters worse, cumming felt a lot less good. To get back to my old level, I had to work with my worn out pelvic floor muscles. Phew, as if I didn’t have enough to do already. The result is not bad. But more than a year after the birth of Noah I am still less eager then for ‘project baby’.

That’s not crazy either. Because let’s be honest, whoever is on his gums desires a firm massage rather than a game of sex. Since Noah’s arrival, I often have to cross a threshold, I have to make sense. Just as it is now. Duncan continues. It takes a while. But in the end, he revives my sleep-deprived body. I moan softly as he kisses my stomach, my groin. I push my hips up, encouraging Duncan to continue. But just as he takes off my thong, our son puts up his throat. ahhhh. Noah the little one cock & pussy blocker.

Dip in sex life

When I was just pregnant, I told everyone who wanted to hear it: my sex life will remain intact. Duncan and I, unlike most couples, would not fall into a relationship slump. I’d show you how to do that. Little did I know. Soon there was nothing left of ‘my old self’. From the woman who likes to experiment, who is always up for making love. I changed because of the circumstances. Something that unfortunately happens to many women.

Sexologist Eveline Stallaart knows all about this. She regularly receives couples in her practice who are no longer intimate since the arrival of their child. Eveline: “Many of those women say: sex is nothing three times since I gave birth. But who caresI got a child instead.” Before the arrival of Noah, I couldn’t imagine this at all. Sex is the best thing there is! Why would you give that up?

“They barely touch each other. And if you ask me, that’s a shame.”

I now understand better mothers who throw in the towel. My friend Denise (34) is such a woman. Since the arrival of her daughter (2) she has sex on hold put. That hubby has trouble with that is his problem. Denise has something else on her tired mind. They don’t even sleep together anymore. They now live like brother and sister: they are father and mother to their daughter, but no longer lovers. They barely touch each other. And if you ask me, that’s a shame.

Priority list

I really think it’s important as a new parent to try your hardest not to let your sex life completely suck. Because especially in difficult times you can use the effect of (good) sex on your relationship very well: intimacy, mildness, a good feeling about each other. Sex is the means to combat everyday irritations. It makes you more relaxed, happier and less irritable. You sleep better and make the ‘happy hormone’ endorphins. Denise keeps repeating: “My sex life will be fine when my daughter goes to school.” But I believe that picking up the thread after a long sexless period is very difficult.

“Especially in difficult times you can use the effect of (nice) sex on your relationship very well”

I’m not saying that sexless relationships necessarily fail. But I do believe that you are more likely to make it together if you give lovemaking – connection – a place on the priority list. In many relationships, it eventually gets to the point where you hardly ever have sex. That’s why Duncan and I do our best to make the most of it in bed, no matter how hard our lives are, no matter how tired we are. In addition to parents, we want lovers stay.

Also read – Rianne and her husband plan their sex life: ‘Friday is literally our day off’ >

The tropics

But I do know: getting through the tropics unscathed – and with a sex life – is no mean feat. Through trial and error I have learned a lot over the past period. First of all: accept that your life is not the same anymore and deal with it. My sex life changed a lot during my pregnancy and in the early postpartum period. I found that difficult. And that partly had to do with my expectations.

Now I know: this is part of it. There are women and couples who go through a sexual bloom when a new family member is on board. But more often it is a challenge to make something of it in bed. That doesn’t mean you should let it go. Keep talking. Ask questions. What is going on? How do you feel about it? What needs do you have? Find what works together. How can you help each other? Many people still only think of penetration when they think of sex. But so much more is possible. Look for what is possible.

calendar sex

What works very well for me is planning. Before Noah’s arrival, I started to puke when I thought about schedule sex. And okay, I still prefer that we spontaneously make a song ‘very romantic’. But let’s face it: if you’re waiting for a quiet opportunity to get some sex drive, you can wait until you weigh an ounce. Unlike hunger and sleep, sex is not a natural urge. ‘The libido’ does not exist at all – that has only recently become known. You have to be open to sexual stimuli to get aroused.

“If you’re waiting for a quiet opportunity to get some sex drive, you can wait until you weigh an ounce”

So schedule a sex date when you’re sure your baby is asleep or, better yet, out the door. Because reaching a climax when the apple of your eye raises your throat is impossible. Calendar sex may not be the pinnacle. But anything is better than not doing it for a long time. Then you get out of the flow. And making sense of sex is very different from having sex against your will. It works for me: when I start, I feel like it.

It’s important to keep doing your best for each other. Duncan and I let it sit for a while. We were tired and devoured. But a bum is not an attractive partner. You don’t always have to look to get through a ring. But every now and then a critical look in the mirror can’t hurt. It’s hard enough. You don’t need extra libido killers.

Division of tasks

What I also ran into: a baby quickly leads to a skewed division of tasks, especially if you are on leave and are breastfeeding. If you want to keep it fun as young parents, you both need to feel good about the division of labor. Do you largely run the household alone and do you hate it? Then the chance of sex drive is nil. A common problem is that women take on all kinds of tasks because men don’t see them.

“Investing in a fair division of labor is investing in your sex life”

Also problematic: the weight of care tasks is often underestimated. It is worth taking a good look at what needs to be done, how much time it takes and how it can best be distributed. If your loved one doesn’t understand how challenging a task is, swap. If there is a hard battle to be fought, then so be it. Investing in a fair division of labor is investing in your sex life.

Rekindle the fire

In the first year after Noah arrived, my highs often felt like lows. If you are also unlucky enough to have worthless orgasms after giving birth: don’t give up. Don’t write off sex, but do your best to get your orgasm back. If a lovemaking is not pleasant, or is not rewarded with an orgasm, you will have even less need for sex next time.

I did exercises and forced myself to move (yes, reluctantly of course!). And I used tools. There are all kinds of tools to strengthen your pelvic floor. And last but not least: I masturbated, worked on my sex drive, to rekindle my fire.

going for a ride

And then finally: it helps, as I now know, to go out once in a while with just the two of us, without a baby. Even if you are convinced (like me) that no one can comfort your sad child as well as you. Make time for the two of you, so that you remain lovers as well as parents. Engage your family, your friends, or find a paid babysitter.

“Get out and about: there are no better conditions for an old-fashioned game of good sex”

There must be something to organize. Don’t let it sit because you’re tired. You’ll get over that. Duncan and I get the very best relationship boost by going away for a few days. If you sleep outside the door for two nights, you can first recover and get some sleep and then you have an endless relaxing day and evening ahead of you. There are no better conditions for an old-fashioned game of good sex.

This article is in the Kek Mama Love Special 2022.

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