Only in bed
Manouk (40): “We’ve been together for four years, but my boyfriend doesn’t want to live with me. He has a daughter of twelve, my children are eight and ten. They only go to their father on weekends. So we can move to my friend’s town, thirty kilometers away. But he doesn’t like a composite family, so we have to wait until the children have left home. It’s no fun lying alone in bed almost every night. I will not keep this up for another ten years – financially it is also unattractive. We are at a crossroads, and I don’t know if we’re taking the same exit. But: we are still here. ”
Article continues after the ad
Gabriel (40): “Pete and I dreamed of a child, but once our son (now nine) was born, it was very disappointing. I did everything, Pete did nothing. When Django entered toddlerhood, Daddy conducted him around the house like a drill sergeant. I broke down on his total lack of empathy, something that also bothered me in our relationship.
When Django entered elementary school, I was well advanced in arranging our divorce. But a miracle happened: suddenly my husband thawed. Now that our child was less at home and needed less care, Pete suddenly began to see the fun of a child. We still have to do our best to keep it fun – Pete still can’t stand the unpredictability of living with a child – but he tries. And that’s enough for me to keep him in our lives. ”
Out the door
Vivian (33): “I fell for his wild hair, but Jones hadn’t lost it after three years of marriage, a child and a second pregnancy. He just has to stop, I thought for the first year if he wanted to go out three days a week until early in the morning. When I was pregnant with the second I found it less amusing.
One night I suddenly had to go to the hospital – I had practice contractions. In a hurry I stole our daughter at the neighbors, Jones was somewhere in a club and was inaccessible. Suddenly I was done with it. Three weeks before the due date, I kicked him out. Jones woke up suddenly and didn’t go out for another night. When I gave birth almost five weeks later, he was there. And then he stayed.
Since then we have had clear agreements. Our youngest is now one and Jones goes to a club at most once a month. I myself go out more often. Fine, we both think: I have a lot to catch up. ”
Lurking on social media
Tessa (34): “As a PR employee in the travel world I post a lot on social media, that’s part of my job. Joost and I had been together for ten years when I got this job, but he found my career difficult. Then I camped in a faraway place again, and I was on Instagram in a bikini. “Do you know how many men are watching that?” He sulked.
The more I left, the more he paid attention to my social media behavior. He demanded that I stop posting, just such an important part of my job. Joost said he didn’t want a woman who threw herself online. “A mother, please.” In turn, I didn’t want a man who would restrict my freedom. That resulted in a serious relationship crisis.
With the help of a relationship coach I was able to make it clear that my urge to travel and to live next to our family was not a threat to our love. I came to understand that it is lonely for him at home with two children. I lead a second, adventurous life that my family is not a part of. Since I send videos home more often and we facetim every day, things are getting better. Joost feels more involved, he says, and I understand that. I’m curious what it will be like when he goes to Costa Rica alone with a friend for the first time this summer and things turn around. ”
In love with a neighborhood dad
Dunde (41): “The children were five and nine when I fell in love with a neighborhood father two years ago. I think after eleven years of marriage, I just felt like a break, but it felt serious. Bilal and I led a sluggish life, this new man was well traveled and read. I missed that with Bilal. In a fit of insanity, I told my husband that I no longer wanted to live a superficial life, but wanted to be “fed spiritually.” I brought that to such an extreme that we eventually started living separately.
That year I discovered that although my new love was an intellectual, it was emotionally lagging behind. On my bare knees, I begged Bilal to come back. We are now back together, investing in good conversations and saving for holidays in countries other than Germany. I now know: a man who is willing to grow with you is truly the salvation. ”
Flights in entertainment and sports
Peter (36): “I was shocked when I became a father. I wanted children just as much as Lieke, but I thought it was terrible that after the birth of our son – now four – I didn’t have a second to myself. I panicked and fled into going out and sports. I did not realize that I also fled from Lieke. It wasn’t until she threatened to leave that I woke up. We now both work one day less and do nice things. Costs a bit, but the energy that we have since then is priceless. ”
Married to a workhorse
Naomi (39): “On our eldest’s first birthday, I woke up on my own. Sebastian had already gone to work. I blew out the candle on the muffin with our child – without his father. It was then that I realized that my husband was not married to me but to his company. He responded to the selfie I sent at eight in the evening.
“I don’t want to feel separated while we sleep in the same bed,” I said. “There has to be some bread on the table,” he replied. To which I responded: “Put that money in the maintenance.”
That was three years ago and we are still couples counseling. We now spend the weekends together, but Sebas remains a workhorse. We see the monthly sessions as maintenance visits for our relationship. That way we keep it workable. ”
We survived: ‘Fight, that’s what I do in relationships’>
Man in last place
Manon (32): “There are always twenty tabs open in my head. My daughter is the first tab, my husband the last. He comes after the groceries, my work, the housework, friends, everything. Not pleasant for the man you call your life partner, I understand now. Although it did take cheating once. He admitted it regretfully. I shouted, “I’ll leave a man who cheats on me.” His response: “A woman for whom I am not important does not deserve me.”
The first step to improvement clearly had to come from me. Now we have lunch together every Friday when our daughter is at daycare and we make time again to have sex a few times a week. It is much better. My child is still on tab one, my husband feels like number two again instead of twenty. ”
Too tired to get a divorce
Viggo (39): “We ate and drank and danced and made love. Loes and I were the dream couple at every party. We enjoyed the same things and especially each other. But then four years ago Vic was born and we suddenly stopped doing anything that made us fun. Everything revolved around our child, we had no energy for other things. It’s that we were even too tired to part ways or we would have been divorced for sure. For years we lived alongside each other.
The change came when Vic went to school a few months ago. Now that we have a mum and dad day together, Loes and I finally refuel. We see each other again, go out to dinner or to the movies once every two weeks. I don’t understand how we could have let it get lost like that. I still think Loes is just as sweet and delicious as before. What I stuck to the bedroom mirror with post-its, because our second will be born in two months. ”
Mats (42): “When our youngest was two, Monica suddenly wanted to ‘work on herself’. She immersed herself in mandalas, burned incense, and spoke of old souls and esotericism. That was a bit of a swallow for the bank employee I am. “Doesn’t matter, your feeling may be there,” she said. It was as if I had a new wife who I wasn’t sure was a match for me. One thing got better than ever: our sex life. That is now more intense and resourceful. You apparently get that when ‘your feeling is allowed to be there.’
Still, I find Monica less attractive than before and it may be that that eventually kills us. On the other hand, our three children are happy under her free upbringing and I just let her go. Divorce affects everyone more and it is not that we are really unhappy. Who knows, she might soon get a new hobby. I really hope for motorcycling. ”
Everything went black
Laura (29): “Two months after giving birth, I didn’t like my son (now one), neither myself nor my relationship at all. Everything went black: postpartum depression. I begged my friend to go out and take the baby. Who was waiting for me? Sometimes he complied and moved to his or my parents for a few days. Until, of itself, the world suddenly became lighter again. There will be no second child, the next time those hormones will cost us our relationship. ”
There you have my mother-in-law
Patricia (35): “I said yes to Patrick, but it looks more like he is married to his mother. If she’s not with us, he’ll be on the phone with her. It’s nice that she babysits our boys five and six three days a week, so I try not to complain. But the fact that we don’t have one day a week to ourselves regularly leads to arguments. During one of them, Patrick shouted, “If you let me choose between my mother and you, you can pack your bags. You will never win that. ‘ Perplexed, I packed my bags and our children.
That was a year ago. After a lot of talking, also with his mother, it turned out well. She only comes on babysitting days. And for coffee every Sunday. That way I can keep it up for a while. I console myself with the thought that the best person does not have eternal life. ”
This article has previously appeared in Kek Mama.
More Kek Mama? Subscribe here for the newsletter>