‘Suddenly there is the fear of losing our child again’

Image: Valerie Visschedijk

Eline is married to Bas, star mom of Louie * and is now 36 weeks pregnant with the second. In this column she talks about her pregnancy after loss and everything that comes with it. This time about her procrastination.

Washing the first package, making the bed, creating the birth announcement: I’ve been putting it off for weeks. Lack of time was the reason it dangled at the bottom of my priority list. Once I was on leave, I would check these tasks off my baby list first. I was convinced of that.

On the long track

Once on leave, my nesting urge was rampant, all cupboards were cleaned out, my week was filled with lunch dates with friends, quite a few creations came out of my culinary sleeve and I treated myself to a relaxing pregnancy massage. But those check marks? They stayed out. Week, after week, after week.

It’s not that I could blame it on my pregnancy brain, because it popped into my head every day, but I still kept putting it off. Why? During an evening alone on the couch, the answer suddenly fell into my lap. It wasn’t lack of time, pregnancy dementia, or reluctance… it was fear.

Fear

What if the baby in my tummy will never wear the first package – just like Louie? What if it will never be in the cot? And what if we can’t send birth announcements? I’m scared of my own thoughts. I’m not a doomsayer at all, but the fear is suddenly so palpable. Fear of losing our child again.

It’s the fear I recognize out of thousands. The fear that raised its head several times during this pregnancy. During the first tense weeks, an ultrasound where the growth was (insignificantly) off, my short-term hospitalization, cramps that came on in the middle of the night and now … at the end of my pregnancy.

Protective layer

Suddenly the moment when we are going to meet the little one in my belly comes very close. The moment when we will become parents for the second time. Will hold our baby in our arms, be showered with love and finally know whether it will be a son or a daughter. The most beautiful thing there is, but also the most vulnerable.

Because what if it shouldn’t be? I think my heart has protected itself after Louie died. A layer that should ensure that I don’t have to feel that pain again. The layer that has made me completely stiff for weeks when it comes to my baby to-do list.

Open heart

I understand that this layer is there and am grateful that I am subconsciously able to protect myself, but I still chose to remove the foil from my heart. Precisely because I know that an open heart makes you feel fear, sadness and pain, but also the unconditional love of and for your child. And that? I wouldn’t want to miss that one for anything!

Since the death of her son, Eline also runs a magazine for parents of the deceased
children. Knowing more? Visit www.nelmagazine.nl

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