‘Solo sex is the solution for my husband and me to combat frustration’

Marcia (33), married to Hans (33), mother of two children (5 and 8 months).

“There is an unjustified stigma attached to masturbation. As if that’s something you only do when you’re desperately single and especially need to do it secretly in a long-term relationship. It seems like only penetration sex is okay when you’re together. While for my husband Hans and me, solo sex is the solution to combat frustration and chagrin. And it helps us relax quickly. I’m not at all ashamed of it. It’s nice and you are with and literally in your own body for a while. In addition, it helps great against migraines, something that I have struggled with a lot in recent years.

Care-intensive

We are a so-called care-intensive family. Our oldest son is seriously ill and requires a lot of medical care. I breastfeed and the youngest is co-sleeping next to our bed. We have a lot of stress, little time and are chronically tired. Often we also divide the tasks, so we miss the moments with ‘sex potency’. If one refuels by sleeping in or going to bed early, the other takes care of the kids. Partly because of this, we only have official intercourse once every two months. We do cuddle a lot and at least once a week we masturbate. A great alternative.

In the mood

Hans and I have been together for ten years. Before we had kids, we used to do it two or three times a week, at all times of the day. We were carefree and couldn’t get enough of each other. Even during my first pregnancy I was in the mood in no time. We had a whole box of toys that we tried in all positions. Especially when you are pregnant, affection and feeling good are very important, so pay tribute to the natural oxytocin that is released. How different it is now.

Because of all the stress I sometimes dread the act. I don’t think it’s important anymore and even a burden if we haven’t had sex for a long time. My husband is more often in the mood, but will never push me. He also believes that this should come from both sides. I can’t and won’t do anything against my will and certainly no sex, no matter how fun and delicious it is. It feels like I’m an escort for my partner: ‘Put the money on the bedside table and see you next week.’ It’s nice that there are sex workers, but that’s not my job or task in my relationship.

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Time for yourself

I never have a problem with masturbation. Then I tell Hans that I’m going to hang up the laundry and he knows enough. Then I just feel like just myself, without the hassle. Masturbating is self-care. I never hear from friends about it, but in my eyes it just belongs in the list of brushing teeth, showering and taking time for yourself. Women just need to cum just as much as men. I charge myself with an orgasm.

“Masturbating is self-care. In my view, it just belongs in the line of brushing your teeth, showering and taking time for yourself.”

I get mad at men who demand sex from their wives at least twice a week because they’re cheating otherwise. What makes them superior to the woman’s need? Then do it yourself, I guess. If we lie next to each other and I don’t feel like it and Hans does, I give him a hand. Or together in the shower, then I jerk it off, because I don’t like standing up. My orgasms are quite intense. When our youngest is in the co-sleeper, we start cuddling and then he finishes it himself in the bathroom, because with a baby there is very uncomfortable and feels very wrong.

If we help ourselves, I’ll grab a toy. Occasionally we help each other and not ourselves. Occasionally it ends in penetration, but that is not a must. The most important is equality. We understand each other’s needs and they should be there.

candid

Hans and I are always very open about sex, what turns us on, what porn we watch and our past experiences. Hans had some difficulty with my candor in the beginning, but soon went along with that vibe, when he realized how nice it is when you know where you stand and how you can help the other person. We are very honest on all subjects. That also fits very well in our family, because there is simply no time to bottle up problems.

Despite our low average, there is always sex in the air. We still find each other very attractive. We squeeze each other’s buttocks, look at each other just a little too long or kiss provocatively. Or Hans laughs and asks if I might bring batteries if I’m really going to do the laundry. We take that cheerful flirting with each other to the moments when it does work. Like a mega-long prelude, but in stages.

If we have a real penetrative lovemaking, it usually starts with extensive cuddling in bed in the morning. I just say what I would like to do or what I need. That sounds plastic, but you can also whisper it, that makes it more exciting. We use attributes, but sometimes just fingers are enough. We both actually have an orgasm.

Extra tension

We are always vigilant during sex because of our son, that is now in our system, but we can enjoy it. And if that doesn’t work, that’s fine too. Then we talk about it or solve it manually. We’ll be ready in fifteen minutes. We sleep practically naked, so we don’t have to undress each other. That again saves time.

Every now and then we consciously seek out some extra tension. For example, when my mother is downstairs to look after the children and help with the household; then we take a break together. Or I quickly go to bed myself to masturbate and text my husband that he has to come upstairs. Does he come up with an excuse for my mother that he has to help with folding duvets and sheets haha.”

This article appears in Kek Mama 13-2021.

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