‘Since we had children, my husband and I have been snapping at each other every day’

Children don’t make a relationship better. Finished. We always dreamed of our family, but when you’re in the middle of the tropics, that sweet romance can sometimes be hard to find.

Don’t get me wrong: I love my husband. And he from me. But you create two dragons together one day, and after poop number six, the pasta sauce in the white curtains, and a whining and stomping toddler in the hallway, it might be a little less gooey than we ever thought it would be, such a wedding. Everyday life is just hard work.

Grateful, but still

Billy and I have been married for 4 years and a month after the wedding I found out I was pregnant with our twins. Overjoyed that we could become parents, of course: but we also had no idea what to expect. After three years of mothering twins, I understand quite a few people understand by ‘tropical years’. It’s just no fun, sometimes. As in: I am very happy that I can be the mother of Bodi and Daaf. I feel privileged that this is my life and my whole heart is filled with my two prettiest little boys. But apart from the gratitude, it is always ‘on’. Always busy with them. Always take care of. Never again think about what I would like to do on a Saturday and Sunday. Always planning together with my husband who will be home with the children and who will pick them up. “Will you get the Optimel and the wipes or me?” Alternating shifts: you out Saturday morning at 7 am, me Sunday morning.

In the past, yes in the past, Billy and I used to cling to each other on such a weekend day. We were talking about which hip place in the Amsterdam Pijp we would go for lunch. We texted each other more exciting things than questions about Optimel. By now you are happy if you can drink a tasteless cappuccino between the playgrounds and cram in a dry cracker. Times change.

Broken

And that’s also a good thing: I wouldn’t want the life before we had children anymore. Of course not. I am happier than ever now that I am a mother, but a relationship changes 100% when there are children. Anyway. And I sometimes miss how Billy and I used to be as a couple. So busy with each other. Rest at home together. Focus on each other’s lives and interests. For three years now, we have been a parental team with one main task: raising children. Feeding, caring for and keeping children alive for another day. And I also believe that twins of this age are more intense for a relationship than ‘loose’ children. We have to do a lot together because it is impossible to do it alone against two toddlers. So the other person has little rest and yes, you then react to each other. I don’t think we’ve ever snapped at each other this much since we had kids. Pathetic? Yes. Reality? Yes.

And hey, it is what it is. If we can, we’ll plan a night out together. Going out for dinner and especially trying not to talk about the kids again. Because we’re still ourselves, right? Hidden somewhere under all those kiddie pies and fruit bags and train tracks? When I watch Billy slumped on the couch in his sweatpants, I still get a little tingle. Jesus, yes, he’s still handsome. And when I hear the key in the lock at night and I know he’s home, I’m always relieved. ‘We are complete again’. That feeling. I can’t really sleep well until he’s next to me. He is the most committed and sweetest father to his boys I could wish for.

All that time for each other, that will come again. Only fifteen years to go before they’re out of the house.

I’ll be there, honey.

Tessa Heinhuis (32) is mother of twins, Bodi and Daaf (3). She is editor-in-chief of Mama Magazine.