‘My environment thinks I burden my children, but I refuse to sugarcoat’
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Sometimes you can’t figure it out on your own and you could use some advice. So every week a reader talks about her dilemma.
Mariana (39) is a divorced mother of Scott (12) and Liz (10).
“My divorce was six years ago. My children know no better than that, at his request, they rarely see their father. We are a trinity that has been through a lot, but because we have depended on each other for so long, we are very strong and close.
Open education
That bond means that I raise them in openness. About what is going on in the world, but also about what happens in our lives. We philosophize about that a few times a week, because that is not always rose scent and moonshine.
“They have had a lot of real life for their age”
For example, their father regularly lets them suffocate when they have agreed. He does not pay child support, which means that some of the perks that other children do receive are not included with us. I was seriously ill for a while and my mother took care of Ukrainian refugees. Scott and Liz have had a taste of real life for their age.
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Philosophize
I sometimes worry about that. I would prefer that they grow up in a world that is only sweet and safe. But that’s not the case, so I’d rather be honest about it. That’s how I best arm them.
My environment sometimes thinks differently about that. My mother thinks I burden my children with what I share with them, their father thinks they are too young for it and calls me to indoctrinate them.
My best friend has also sometimes critically suggested that I shouldn’t tell my children everything. I don’t either, but a lot of what I keep to myself, they feel anyway. That, in turn, feels unsafe. I’d rather tell them the whole truth.
Sugar coating
My children are happy, mostly carefree, do well in school, and we have a large, warm circle of friends and family who love them very much. I make sure that I am as neutral as possible and do not present things too colored, as my ex often accuses me of. I don’t talk negatively about others and don’t sketch doomsday scenarios. I just refuse to sugarcoating, some things are what they are. Is that so harmful?”
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