‘My boyfriend cheated on him, so now he has a punishment’

“It all affected him. The pregnancy. A baby. The marriage when I was three months pregnant: ideal, then he would have recognized the future child immediately. But it all happened very quickly for him. Kyran was also still young. Just 21 when we got into a relationship, 22 when I got pregnant.

He was overjoyed with me, wanted to have the child, but it also oppressed him. And so he fled. In the arms of Annabelle, an intern in the editorial office where he worked. She thought he was tough, looked up to him. She gave him attention at a time when he was struggling with his changing role. And he dived into it. Kyran kissed her. Several times. And while I was ironing hydrophilic diapers at home, he was fucking Annabelle in a cheap hotel. So wrong. So cliché.

I didn’t notice anything. Sat on my pink cloud dreaming about unicorns and sweet girl names. I didn’t notice his anxiety, his sneaky behavior, the nighttime texting, and ultimately his nagging guilt. When I found out that he had cheated on him, the baby was long and wide and he had already come to his senses. He adored our daughter Maya and a top dad who was more patient with her than I was.

Mistress

He would have preferred never to have told me about his ‘misstep’, so that it would all fizzle out. But this Annabelle did not want to participate in that. She had fallen madly in love with him by now and had no intention of giving him up just like that. She couldn’t stomach the fact that he kept rejecting her and focused on his family. She blackmailed him and forced him to have sex one last time, at her place. A farewell rocker, otherwise she would inform me. Kyran refused.

He did visit her to pronounce it, kissed her for a while, but did not respond to further advances. And then she got furious. So angry that she bombarded me with messages while he was on his way home. Unsuspectingly, I checked the arsenal of messages from this strange lady, who was eager to get in touch with me. She had something to tell me about my husband. She introduced herself as Kyran’s mistress. The woman with whom he had been in a relationship for six months and with whom he had just been ‘tonguing wonderfully …’

It was then that all the blood drained from my face. I’m overjoyed that I didn’t hold Maya because I dropped her. I could barely stand myself. My heart was beating like crazy. Would this be true? When Kyran got home not much later, all I had to do was ask him if he knew a certain Annabelle. His shocked and guilty face immediately confirmed the horrible reports. I screamed like hell. Screamed that he was a cheater and huge dick. Kyran started to cry. Shouted how much he loved me and Maya, that it had all been a mistake, that he was very sorry and didn’t want to hurt me.

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In conversation

Well, long story short: it was a huge drama. We brought in my parents to take care of Maya and mediate a bit. I was so stepped on my heart, in such pain. Still, I didn’t want to lose him. I had a baby of a few months old, the hormones were still running through my body. I didn’t want to be a single mom and besides, I loved Kyran. Despite everything, I still believed in him. As a father and partner.

That didn’t mean I could just step over it. We called in the help of a good relationship therapist. She made us talk, tried to explain why Kyran’s cheating was nothing more than flight behavior. I was given tools to understand him and to learn to trust him again. She gave me reading material and a podcast and book by psychotherapist Esther Perel, among others, about cheating. According to her, you could come out stronger as a couple, if you kept talking.

Stalemate

We are now a year later. And it’s true: you can survive as a couple. Confidence is back. I don’t think with every text message: that’s a different woman. Or: he secretly arranges something. Kyran is super sweet and very happy that he still has us. I also really see how he tries his best to be completely there for me and Maya. Only, sex has become very charged. Where we used to be monkeys, we used to do it so often, we now have difficulty reaching once a month.

We ended up in a kind of impasse in bed. We no longer talk about his deception every day. That is also not possible, you have to continue. But somehow it feels very unfair. Kyran cheated, but there was more or less understanding for him from all sides. That poor young father who couldn’t take it all anymore. From the therapist, my parents-in-law, even me. I have never thrown him out of the house or asked for a time out and I think Kyran gets off very easily that way.

And so I punish him. Cock punishment. When he starts caressing or kissing me, when he whispers how much sense he has in me, I throw him at his feet that he must have been turned on by the images of his mistress. I see him then cringe. No, he swears to me, he never thinks about her again. Or I let him get really close, kiss him, caress him, get him really turned on and then go off. Then I say he’s had enough sex anyway. With her. That he can stand in the fridge for a while, so that he feels how it feels when someone plays with your feelings.

I know it’s mean and I have to stop. He still accepts it now, but for how long? Somehow it gives me a nice sense of power that helps heal my damaged self-confidence and broken heart. He cheated, then he will pay for it too. “

This article can be found in Kek Mama 01-2021.

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