‘My best friend confessed that she slept with my husband’

Jet (36), mother of three daughters aged 8, 6 and 4: “I was stunned when my best friend Helen confessed after a few glasses of wine that she had slept with Ruud a number of times in recent months, with whom I had just gone through a complicated divorce. We sat together on the couch in my new apartment, the children spent a weekend with their father for the first time. I didn’t know what to say, actually closed completely. Helen stuck around for hours. She really had to say it, she felt so bad what had happened that she couldn’t sleep. I became quieter and quieter and had to let this news sink in.

big friends

Until recently, we lived opposite each other in a new neighborhood, where we were good friends with a large part of the neighbors anyway. A fantastic place where all the children played with each other and drinks always ended in crazy parties. And if we weren’t dancing in one of our houses, we could be found at some festival. Ruud and I were especially close with Helen and Thomas. Our children – we have three daughters together and they two – grew up together.

Helen and I developed an enormous bond of trust. I always told her the uncensored version of my stories. Also about the problems in my marriage with Ruud, the couples therapy we were working on. Where Ruud was extremely possessive and jealous when anyone else looked at me, Helen and Thomas had sex with each other with each other’s knowledge. All fine, they had to know that themselves.

Deserted

Things really didn’t work out between Ruud and me in the long run, we decided to divorce. That ended in a drama, to this day we are not on speaking terms. Ruud continued to live in our house, among all those neighbors who received him with his grief. Thank goodness I found an apartment on the outskirts of town. Nauseated with misery, I was busy working for weeks. Helen and Thomas came to help me, I stood crying with a brush in my hands watching them paint. It still felt good that they were there for me. Until that very first night when I would sleep there alone and Helen came with me to dedicate this new house.

I was looking forward to this evening with friends: music and candles on, tasty snacks, but after the first bottle of bubbly, her confession came. I don’t understand afterwards that I spent hours on the couch with her. It wasn’t until the next day that I realized what had actually happened: Helen knew all the ins and outs of my relationship. I had shared all my misery with her. When we lived opposite each other, we spoke every day. But even when we were painting together in my house, she was the one I poured my heart out to. I found the idea that she would still have gone to bed with Ruud that evening was intolerable. Moreover, our divorce had not yet been officially initiated. Thomas, by the way, knew about it and had no problem with it. When I heard that, I got the feeling that three daggers had been stabbed in my back: by my ex, my best friend and her husband.

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I felt incredibly let down. But also doubted myself. Did I have the right to get mad at a girlfriend who got into bed with my soon-to-be ex? I called another friend and told her this story in confidence. Well, with friends like that you don’t need enemies, was her reaction. She thought it was outrageous that Helen and Ruud had done this to me. I felt somewhat heard, decided to put it to rest and continue building a new life. I never discussed it with Ruud, there was already enough to argue about. But no doubt he knows that I am aware of his adventures with the neighbor.

Neighbors

I can’t completely cut ties with the old neighborhood, because my ex lives in our old house. So when I bring the kids there, I automatically pass by all those old friends. My daughters never heard from me either. That does mean I take them to Helen and Thomas too if they want to play there. When I walk in there, it feels like the whole world is against me. The bond between Helen and me is distant and cold. She is terrified that I will open my mouth and tell everyone what she has done with Ruud. Together with him she has now blackened me in the entire neighborhood.

There were all kinds of ghost stories that I wanted to undress Ruud financially and that I had been cheating on us throughout our marriage. Total nonsense, of course, I don’t want to get a dollar from that man and I’m as loyal as a dog. The first few months I wanted to clear my name. And scratching Helen’s eyes out, too. But I bit my tongue and was silent. Because I absolutely do not want our children to get caught up in this web of lies and deceit. That Ruud and I are separated is complicated enough. If I burden our girls with this story, it will be very difficult to maintain the bond with their father.

Of all the neighbors with whom we were so good friends, only one neighbor came to drink a glass of wine on my balcony on a beautiful summer evening. She genuinely wanted to know how I was. Then I carefully told that it hurts me that stories are circulating that are not true. I deliberately omitted that Helen and Ruud had shared the bed – or perhaps still do. I didn’t want to throw mud.

Gone for good

The girls are always with me during the week, they go to Ruud every other weekend. When I park my car there in the driveway, it feels like my throat is being squeezed. I book those weekends completely full with appointments. I don’t like to be alone with my thoughts. My best friends – whom I’ve known since college – get me through this. Those friendships are sacred, we will walk through fire for each other.

The friendship between Helen and me is gone forever. After the anger and frustration, I must confess that I now feel mostly sorry for her. She, Ruud and Thomas spend a lot of evenings together, I hear that from my children. I don’t even want to know what happens then. My new life may be less exciting, but now I’m overjoyed to be out of that clique. The way it went is still very painful. It’s a secret that I’m not actually a part of, but that I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life.”

This article can be found in Kek Mama 07-2021.

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