Mama has a Second Love: ‘I do it for the thrill’

“In my adolescence, my mother said, ‘Child, you are in love with love.’ Quite hurtful, I thought, because she didn’t take my feelings for my boyfriend at the time seriously. Even if that boyfriend was a different one from the month before, or the month before, and certainly not the last. The fact was that I was always overwhelmingly in love. It just changed pretty quickly on who.

Easily in love

From the age of fourteen I was always dating. I fell in love easily, but I got tired of those guys just as quickly. It didn’t go further than kissing at that age. Yet at school I was soon known as a slut. With the first boyfriend I slept with, when I was sixteen, it stayed on for two years right away. Because I wasn’t out for sex with guys at all, I just wanted love. Attention. Being that special someone to someone. I never went to a psychologist for it, but it must have something to do with my fatherless childhood.

No infatuation remains as overpowering as in the first three or six months, I learned as I got older. So I invariably broke up after that period. As soon as the butterflies were gone, my interest in the man disappeared too, and I went looking for a new one that would rekindle the fire in me. Like a junkie looking for his new shot: I was literally addicted to love. My mother had been right all along.

I left a trail of broken hearts. Not that I did that on purpose; Whenever I started a new relationship, I knew for sure that this time it was really the one. I was also always loyal and ended my courtship properly before letting a new flame conquer me. I didn’t make things too difficult for those men: their interest in me was enough to make my heart beat faster.

A challenge

Until I ran into Walter fourteen years ago. We were members of the same sorority. Unlike all the other men I had allowed into my heart, he did not try to conquer me. On the contrary: he hardly showed any interest. I thought that was interesting. In retrospect, that’s what attracted me the most to him. Not his humor, not his intellect or passion for math. I saw a challenge in him, a project. This man, not in love with me? Unthinkable.

But Walter did not let himself be conquered just like that. And that only added to my desire for him. If he wasn’t at the club when I hoped to find him there, the rest of my evening would be sick. I was hoping for a signal from him. A text message. Hyves message. Something that showed his feelings for me. But it never came. Just when I was about to lose interest after about three months, I ran into him while going out. “Are you finally dancing with me?” he asked tipsy. From then on it was on. We graduated almost at the same time and immediately moved in together. Three years later we were married. As if I could ever do that, stay true to one man for the rest of my life. But I hoped so. In vain, I now know.

Us against the rest of the world

Walter kept me on my toes. He mentally challenged me and surprised me with concert tickets and museum visits, something that we thoroughly enjoyed together. It made me want to make an effort for him too. Although at first my love was not based on my feeling for him as a person but on the challenge of making him fall in love with me, the love between us was very deep very quickly.

The butterflies in my stomach lasted until after our wedding day, and when they gave way in part to a bigger, calmer love, I didn’t lose interest. Walter managed to stimulate me in every way. And just when I thought it was not possible to love anyone more than this, I got pregnant with our son Deon. Once he was born, I experienced the greatest possible love, which also increased my love for Walter.

Deon was an easy baby, but it was unavoidable that the relationship between Walter and me would change with his arrival. All of the attention and concern suddenly went to that little guy instead of just to each other. That was fine because we shared that love for Deon. Neither of us had room for anything but that: it was the three of us against the rest of the world.

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A change in chemistry

But Deon grew bigger and more independent. And once he went to elementary school and Walter and I got more time together, the chemistry between us was no longer the way it used to be. The love between us had not changed, but I was no longer the same as before I became a mother. While I had always looked up to Walter a little and thought I could learn everything from him, I now knew more than he did. As far as Deon was concerned, at least. I had given birth to a human being. That primal force and the instinct that came with it made me very strong.

Doing things together was more difficult as parents. The concerts, trips, cultural outings; they suddenly became exceptions. And with that, my old familiar quick boredom in relationships came back on. Walter knew about that. We are very open about our feelings. But get rid of that boredom if you have sex at most once a week because you have already quenched for the eight o’clock news.

An app via WordFeud

It started with an app via WordFeud. Walter was sleeping on the couch, I unsuspectingly played a game of online scrabble on my phone. My opponent was after something other than maximum word value, it soon became apparent. Before I knew it, the ambiguous comments went back and forth. And something in me woke up that I had been missing for years.

My games partner was not interesting enough to continue the contact with, but the desire for that old-fashioned tension was unstoppable. On the advice of a friend, I looked at Second Love, the dating site for people who are already in a relationship. She came because she found it easy to date men who didn’t want to make a claim right away. I was looking for the opposite: the attention of a man who wanted to make real work of me again.

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Second Love

The moment I created my profile, I felt a combination of excitement and disgust. How exciting it seemed to me, but what a bastard I was that I did it to Walter. The same day I was in contact with a married man. I enjoyed his messages. Excited as to whether he would text again. He made me laugh and for a moment I felt like the desired woman of the past. But I was also shocked at myself. Did I really want to risk my marriage and, more importantly, my family life for the thrill of a little attention?

I decided not to tell Walter about Second Love, but I did talk again about how we could bring the tension back into our relationship. It just wasn’t about doing fun things, our sex life or trying out new toys. I really needed that attention from another man.

I suggested dating another couple. That way I got what I wanted without really cheating on me and Walter immediately had a break. Fair and equal, I thought, but Walter almost jumped from his chair. “Do you want to swin?” he cried. “Gosh!” I explained where my idea came from, but he didn’t like it. “If you want to go in the suitcase with another guy, you have to do that, but then you can stay right there,” he said. And that was the end of it.

Take the plunge

That is of course no excuse for secretly cheating. But I felt myself numb further and further. I absolutely didn’t want to lose Walter, but neither did myself. When Walter and Deon went on a men’s weekend together ten months ago, I took the plunge and met the man I had met through Second Love. We went out to dinner and laughed and kissed and I felt sexy again. Nothing in this man was nicer or better than Walter, but he made me feel that Walter apparently couldn’t give me at this stage of life.

We kept seeing each other once every three or four weeks. Then I said at home that I was going out with colleagues, and danced with my ‘second lover’ until we dropped. I didn’t necessarily have to sleep with him; my sex life was on the back burner, but it was satisfying. It was purely about the attention. But if you drink and flirt one night, of course it will go wrong sometime. Which also happened: after about four months and about six times of dating, we ended up on the couch of his office at night. It was fantastic. But what happened next was quite predictable in view of my past: now that the flirting phase was over and the tension of possible sex disappeared, the fun was over for me.

My lover understood. In the end he also wanted nothing more than some tension next to his marriage. We decided to stay friends and still visit a concert or festival together now and then. Walter thinks he is a colleague. And I leave it that way, because I don’t want to cause unrest where it is no longer necessary.

‘They don’t need to know everything either’

Not that it is otherwise quiet in my second love life. In the meantime, I have been in contact with another man for about three months, also through Second Love. He is single, but not looking for stability. Our contact is more or less the same as with the first man; we mainly go out for dinner, and I went to a conference of his work for a weekend. Then we also had sex. I told Walter it was a city trip with a friend and hoped he wouldn’t ask for photos. I felt bad about it, because actually I am not interested in the sex. But yeah, in the heat of the moment of course it did.

In between, I also chat with other men through the site. I don’t have to meet them live; I’m not looking for multiple adventures at the same time. In fact, sex with my lovers bothers me a lot. If I found out Walter was cheating on me, it would hurt me badly. Ultimately, I want nothing more than to share all that tension with him, but that is not feasible. A friend recently said that she structurally hides her botox treatments from her partner. “Ah yes,” I said, calming my conscience in the meantime. ‘Our men don’t need to know everything either.’ ”

This article has previously appeared in Kek Mama.

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