Lilian: ‘That’s why I stick to one child (and I often encounter resistance)’

Image: Kyra, HashtagK

My son is my first and my last. So that’s out. Online then, because in real life I’ve said it before. I often encounter resistance.

• You’ll change your mind
• Oh well, that’s pathetic
• If the house is empty later, then
• How can you say that? Having children is a blessing!

Plus many other variations. Actually, I shouldn’t have to give a reason why we leave it that way. I would like to be honest about what it means to us. The more open we talk about struggles and choices, the better we listen to each other, the better we can have it together.

Before Charles and I got together, we already agreed about children: we had no desire to have children. That changed when we walked together for a while and really saw a future together. At that time we talked more and more about having a baby. Not children; child. We didn’t want to rule anything out, but we did base a lot of choices on the fact that we wouldn’t get several.

From two dashes to a broken mother

Desired and planned, I became pregnant with our son. And despite good results with a fine 20-week ultrasound, I felt less and less well. It turned out to be a traumatic pregnancy with multiple hospitalizations and the chance that I wouldn’t survive the delivery. That is not nothing and on top of that came a postpartum depression.

There I was. With a healthy child, yes. Only, my body was broken and mentally I was in smithereens. I was broken and couldn’t take it anymore. The PTSD and depression gnawed at me and it became increasingly clear that it would stay with our son. And you should know, that hurts.

Mourning a choice

Sadness because you will never carry a baby again. Sadness because you would like a different experience. Sadness because you will never have such a little one again. Sadness because all the first times are also the last times and I missed quite a few because of the depressions.

“The PTSD and depression gnawed at me and it became increasingly clear that it would stay with our son”

However, most sadness does not come from myself, but from the outside world. The misunderstanding. Why did Charles have himself sterilized when the Nox was one and a half? How could we already know that it was really good? Frankly, we couldn’t do that with the full one hundred percent.

That’s why I mourned. Because what we are completely sure of is that no more baby will come out of my belly. Still, I’m very happy that Charles had a cut. Despite the coil, I was terrified every month that I would accidentally get pregnant. I didn’t even know how to take care of myself, let alone such a little one. Not to mention the question would be whether I would survive a second pregnancy. Physically and mentally.

“How could we already know that it was really good like this?”

Not normal

What we do is not ‘normal’, raising such a loner. While… it seems to me quite normal that we choose a healthy mother, that we encourage that family consists of many shapes and sizes, that we accept other people’s choice, without an explanation. That we see how a mother who makes a choice – for herself and her family – really looks at life: full of love and with a heavy heart. Because the non-normal choice, that is precisely what is being thought about.

So for the record:

• No, I’m not thinking. And I respect your choice for second / third / fourth, because I really understand how much you want a child and I also see that you are doing what is right for your family.
• There are many children in my heart, only one comes out of my belly. I’m just so proud
  on the milestones of children of my girlfriends and my nephews and nieces.
• My son has more friends than fingers and is a very social child. He plays wonderfully with others, does well in class and shares wonderfully for a four-year-old.
• When the house is empty, I will enjoy the time with my husband, girlfriends or alone and
  we will find another pastime.
• Having children is certainly wonderful, so is having a living mother. And if I put it in myself
  hand, I will gladly offer my son a mother by his side for a very long time.

For whatever reason you do it the same way or differently, let’s support each other. Being a mother is also a full day job and hard work! We all do things with the best intentions for our children. And that’s what it’s all about in the end.

Lilian Finn (31) is an author, speaker and designer. She is married to Charles and mother of son Nox (4). This column previously appeared on LilianFinn.nl and can also be listened to in full on Spotify.

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