Lilian: ‘I want to get rid of that guilt, the world also revolves around me’
Image: Kyra, HashtagK
As soon as we as mothers do anything for ourselves, the opinions are there.
“Would you?”
“How are you going to arrange that?”
“Should the father be careful?”
Especially the last one: a father is not babysitting. It is his child, which he can raise perfectly well on his own. Okay, things are different on Dad’s days than on Mom’s days. One better is not better than the other; we are different people and therefore do different things. Where father can tinker for hours, I watch a movie with him. Our son needs both and likes both.
Those pesky lists
You know what’s the worst? The guilt in me. The have-I-prepared-everything-feelings. Because in my head I always have a list of to-do’s. Son is going to stay: then he has to bring X sets of clothes and that means that I have to wash now, so that we have enough clothes for home and I can give enough. Grandma also has a washing machine, so she can wash and I still want to prevent that. Shit.
Nox has grown, which means that new clothes are needed. Only, do I still want to buy long pants or do we postpone that? His summer coat is too small, but he prefers not to wear coats in the summer. I do want him to wear something if it is still a bit chilly. I don’t like the idea that he goes out too coldly dressed because of me. At the same time, it won’t matter to Nox, he prefers to be as cold as possible. Still, if he then runs out without a coat, this mother can hit herself in the head.
And then I’m just talking about it clothes. Not about what to eat in the lunch box, what activity is at school and whether something should be brought with it, whether friends are coming, what matters still need to be arranged because of night toilet training and so on.
“I can feel so guilty; that I am a motherfucker if my son wears a shirt that is too small”
Tired of reading this paragraph? I get it. I myself too. I want to get rid of that. These frames create a gigantic oppressive feeling. That feeling nags through my whole body. I can feel so guilty if I didn’t arrange something. That I one motherfucker am, if my son wears a shirt that is too small. Rationally I know this is not right, now I have to feel it.
The world revolves around me too
Although much of my world revolves around Nox, I also want the world to revolve more around me. Without feeling guilty about it. I’m getting better at it. I like to write and I demand time for that these days. My own place, all mine alone. No stray toys, no need to share stuff and completely furnished yourself. No one can disturb me and I think it’s fantastic. Or I work on location: in a cafe around the corner or outside, in the middle of the forest or tulip fields. I come home afterwards a nicer person. And then see a message Parro that Nox has to bring cutlery tomorrow. Three guesses who no longer has children’s cutlery at home…
I can not help it. That guilt creeps right back in. Tomorrow, I promise myself. Tomorrow I really put those feelings outside the door.
Lilian Finn (31) is an author, speaker and designer. She is married to Charles and mother of son Nox (4). She writes openly and honestly about what concerns her on LilianFinn.nl.
