‘Let everyone shape their own relationship’

Image: Mark Groeneveld

Comedian Steven Brunswijk and his wife Ayla have been together for quite some time and are still deeply in love. “I’m just infinitely excited to experience fun things with Ayla.”

“How quiet it is, huh?” Ayla and Steven say to each other when they get home from their daily morning workout. The house is quieter than they are used to. Daughter Naleya went for the first time today – screaming! – to school. In addition, Ayla’s grandfather died only recently – he lived the last months of his life in the garden shed of their Tilburg home.

As Ayla changes, Steven says: “Grandpa was 94, he had cancer all over his body. He could barely walk for the past few weeks. Ayla looked after him day and night as long as she could. At the end, he received 24-hour care. Grandpa didn’t want to and couldn’t anymore, he stopped eating.” Ayla: “He left in his sleep, I was holding his hand. I’m glad he’s at peace now, although we miss him terribly.”

wedding party

Fortunately, Grandpa was still at their wedding last summer; after eight years, the couple married. Not Steven’s plan, by the way. “Marriage doesn’t run in my family. My parents were together for 43 years but never married. I want to spend the rest of my life with Ayla, whether that’s under a bridge or in an apartment, with or without a note. I marry because she wants it, if that’s not love? But it was great, we even decided to do it every year – other people go on vacation, we have a wedding.”

“Steven: ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with Ayla, with or without a note’”

Ayla: “We want to grow old together and I like that our love is now sealed with this extra stamp. Some people say you just got married and are already unfaithful to each other. For us that has a different meaning we are faithful by always being honest and open with each other.”

media storm

Ayla refers to the fuss that arose in the media after Steven and, as it turned out, Ayla was spotted kissing someone else during Pride Amsterdam.

Steven: “The media storm really amazes me. Look what is happening in the world: war in Ukraine, the nitrogen problem, the gas crisis… and then the coffee machine is about Steven Brunswijk kissing another woman? I was ashamed of the Netherlands. What are people concerned about? It was during the Pride, the party of open minded people.” Ayla: “Apparently it is not ‘normal’ to have an open relationship in which you discuss everything together. People find that interesting, how does that work, how do they do that?”

Open relationship

Although Ayla and Steven have little need to openly discuss all the ins and outs of their love lives, Ayla felt she had to respond. “Steven was portrayed as a cheater, when he is the most honest man ever. I just wanted to make it clear that we have a more than great relationship; It doesn’t bother me any more, I know how it is myself. Our relationship is so strong that it is possible to let each other be so free. It’s not a filler, we don’t miss anything in each other.”

“Steven: ‘Discuss things together, there are so many different forms. And above all, let everyone shape their own relationship.”

Steven: “We don’t need anyone else, life just has so much to offer.” He jokes, “God said, ‘Go and multiply,’ never, ‘Go and multiply… by one!’ If people want to be in a straitjacket, be my guest, but don’t be surprised if you find yourself in a rut after sixty years. Discuss things together, there are so many different forms. And above all, let everyone shape their own relationship. Ayla recently lost her grandfather, me my mother, we enjoy each other, tomorrow it may be over. I don’t have time for that nonsense.”

“Ayla: ‘Once the kids are a bit older, we’ll explain that you should always be honest and open with each other’”

How do the kids deal with it? They are still too young to discuss their relationship form, Ayla says. “Although the oldest knows about it. She just said: ‘I think kissing is dirty’, haha. Once they’re a bit older, we’ll explain that you should always be honest and open with each other. Not only in a relationship, but also against the people around you.”

Also read – Lianne and her husband have an open marriage: ‘But we’ll stay together no matter what’ >

Love at first sight

When he met Ayla nineteen years ago, it was love at first sight for Steven. But for Ayla? Not really. “And that’s putting it mildly!” laughs Steven. “She made me wait ten years. Ten! That’s a bit exaggerated, isn’t it?”

Ayla explains: “I had to go on my face a few times to see how great he was. I fell for wrong, dishonest types who cheat. After ten years I knew: I don’t want this anymore. Only then did I see how cute and sweet he was. That’s when I got goosebumps. I also wanted a sweet, honest, husband and father to my children.”

But it wasn’t that easy. At the time, Steven was with the mother of his first daughter, JJ. Ayla: “I know what it’s like when your husband cheats, I didn’t want to interfere, so I kept my distance. Steven made the decision himself and moved in with his father in the attic. From there we started dating and living together.”

The three of us

Ayla didn’t mind at all that JJ lived with them half the time. “I was and still am very fond of JJ – she feels like my own daughter, because I have half raised her almost from the beginning. I really liked that Steven’s ex allowed that. The three of us have very good contact, we really do it together.”

“Steven: ‘If my ex has car trouble, I’ll solve it. We have a better bond than ever’”

Steven: “My mother-in-law recently said: you have two wives, you maintain your ex and your own wife, the only difference is that you have sex with one and not with the other. If my ex has car trouble, I’ll fix it. We have a better bond than ever. Thanks to my mother. She insisted that I should always be there for the mother of my child. If you don’t help her, you’re also doing your own daughter short. A wise lesson and made possible by Ayla, who encourages this. My ex couldn’t have wished for a better bonus mother.”

Expansion

Soon the family was expanded with son Èvan and daughter Naleya. Steven: “Ayla is a fantastic mother, as much patience as that woman has! After twenty times ‘put on your shoes’ she still doesn’t get angry. She always remains calm, organizes everything. At Ayla’s grandfather’s funeral she was already there earlier, I would come later with the children. Later… but not twenty minutes too late. My daughter had lost a shoe, my son insisted on other shoes, then he was hungry, she had to go to the toilet. How Ayla does that every morning, I like it. Ayla is a well-oiled machine that just keeps going and I’m a creaky old-timer that sometimes breaks down on the road.”

“Ayla: ‘I always enjoyed all the live entertainment with Grandpa’”

“That’s not quite true,” Ayla interrupts, “because no matter how tired you come back from work, you always have energy to play football or play games in the garden. I was always enjoying all the live entertainment with Grandpa.” Steven: “I like to make up new games, or to bully children, I also like to do that – my own children, though. I play hard with my son; too hard according to Ayla. But he really likes it. Sometimes he punches me out of the blue: ‘You got that one!’ Laugh right?”

The whole article is in Kek Mama 11-2022.

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