‘Joa was supposed to be our glue baby’
Image: Getty Images
They had overcome a difficult time and their late arrival was proof of that, Ella convinced herself. She dares not tell anyone that Joa is a glue baby with which she hoped to save her marriage.
Ella (40), mother of Lasse (9), Fiene (7) and Joa (1):
“On Joa’s first birthday I woke up crying. A year ago I had given birth to a sweet little boy full of hope, and now I was alone in bed and that little boy, along with his brother and sister, was six miles away with his father. I would have given it to him in such a way that it would not have been necessary, that we would now blow out that one candle as a family of five and that Bart and I would look at each other and think: we have managed that nicely. But alas, it didn’t go that way.
Contents
Own things
I met Bart when I was 23. He was a friend’s cousin and I found him interesting because he was so unprominent. Still waters, that idea. We got some and soon moved in together.
Bart and I didn’t have many common interests, but that didn’t matter. We gave each other the freedom to do our own things. In his case that meant sports, I myself loved spending evenings with friends. That social, he had less with that. He had one best friend and that was enough for him. Sometimes I thought that was a pity, but hey, I had fallen for his calm character.
A future together
We were happy with each other in our own way and we were both very sure that we wanted a family. When Lasse was born, it felt like Bart and I were forever connected. That was a great feeling, which became even stronger when Fiene arrived. The family was really our connection. Together we wanted to give our children a good childhood and a good future.
“He thought I was too loose, I thought he was too strict”
We always agreed on the broad outlines, but in the daily practice of raising children there was enough to disagree about. Clichés, often. He thought I was much too loose, I him too strict. But I thought it was bizarre that he let the children have lunch with a screen in front of them, for example, so that he could hang on his phone himself. And where I always opened the front door for friends and girlfriends, he went crazy if more than two children came to play. Which he then announced in front of our children and the friends, and I found that embarrassing.
So in daily life there was quite a bit of bickering, but in the end we always worked it out. Of course I sometimes thought that it would be nice if we were a little more harmonious with each other. But hey, the kids didn’t suffer, I was sure of that. And you couldn’t always be on the same page, could you? I never heard from friends.
Attention
That I also heard from friends that they were cozy with their husbands on the couch in the evening, drinking wine, and having good conversations, I just ignored that a bit. I heard that girlfriends sometimes went away with their husbands for a weekend or that their partners made an effort for them – and vice versa – in the form of flowers or presents, but I didn’t want to think about it too much. I used to do it, even a bed full of rose petals, but Bart didn’t seem to really care about that and because he never did it himself, I just stopped.
“If I had been paying attention, I probably would have noticed that we were drifting apart”
If I had been paying attention, I probably would have noticed that we drifted apart because we barely made an effort for each other. But I didn’t pay attention, because I found that confrontational and I didn’t really know how to solve it. Or maybe I thought Bart should take the initiative, because if you spend evenings watching someone sit on their phone and not say a word, you get a bit nasty. I do, at least. So I demonstratively went to watch a series on the iPad with headphones on and let it happen.
Until I noticed that Bart was checking his phone even more than usual and I was secretly checking his WhatsApp when he was taking a shower. Sure enough, there they were, a whole row of messages from someone who was filed under ‘Lucas colleague’ but was actually called Sylvia instead of Lucas.
“The messages went back about six weeks and I was so shocked I started laughing. This couldn’t be real, could it?”
And Sylvia, she got very hot from Bart and was so excited to see and feel and taste him, she wrote. He, in turn, couldn’t wait for the next morning to meet again. The messages went back about six weeks and I was so shocked I started laughing. This couldn’t be real, could it?
In love
I put the phone back, took the kids to school, and called Bart, who was on his way to work, to come home. He protested, but immediately turned around when I said Sylvia could wait a little longer for him. It was true, he confessed immediately. He had a crush on a colleague, but nothing had happened. Yes, the messages showed something different and they had also kissed, but they had not had sex. I didn’t believe a word and shouted that our marriage was over.
“Now that I found out, he would stop. But what if I hadn’t discovered it?”
I meant it, but once he left and I calmed down, my mind took over. We had been together for fifteen years, had two children, and had let our relationship slip. Was it so strange that one of us fell in love with another? Bart had admitted it immediately and said he would stop. I found that quite easy as well. Now that I found out, he would stop. But what if I hadn’t discovered it? Did he really feel that guilty?
Read also – Secretly pregnant: ‘It was the final blow to our relationship’ >
Drift apart
It took a lot of talking and five sessions with a therapist, but then I forgave him and believed it was over with Sylvia. Funnily enough, that affair had shaken us both up and things went well between us for a while. Bart did his best and said nice things more than ever and I believed that this dip had surfaced the leak and we had come out stronger. It gave me new energy to do my best. I exchanged my saggy Sloggi’s for tight underwear, he actually put his phone aside in the evening. We hadn’t lost each other, we told each other.
But after a few months that started to ebb away. I felt like we were drifting apart again. The kids were in school and past the first phase where you need each other so much to keep your family going. That was the phase where we had been good. Not only the practical, but also marveling at a baby together, celebrating all those milestones together. We were a real team back then. I missed that. And he too, it turned out when we discussed it once.
“Suddenly all I wanted was that: a baby, to be pregnant one more time”
We got nostalgic and suddenly I said, why don’t we take a third? It was a totally ill-considered comment, but when I finished saying it, something happened in my body. Suddenly all I wanted was that: a baby, being pregnant one more time, looking forward to something big and beautiful together, welcoming such a wonderful gift together. A baby would end that difficult time for good, bring us back as close as we once were and be the crowning glory of our family. As cliché as I say it now, it was.
Glue baby
I went totally hormonal and Bart was also touched by the idea. We decided to think about it for a week. During that week, practical matters also came up: we had enough money, space and love. We were able to arrange time by cutting back on work. Lasse and Fiene would love it – how many times had they asked for a brother or sister? I only got more enthusiastic and after exactly seven days we made the decision. Within two months I was pregnant.
Somehow I knew the decision for this baby was based on something negative, but I reversed that in my head. We had overcome a difficult time, this baby was proof of that. That was actually positive: proof that Bart and I would grow old together.
The term glue baby came to my mind, but I quickly pushed it away. That sounded like it. Besides, a baby couldn’t make amends for something he had nothing to do with. So I called Joa our present and the first time he was there, it felt that way. What I had hoped also happened: Bart and I were a team again and were hanging over the cradle in admiration. It felt like we had finally found each other again.
Break up
For two months then. We found our feet as a family of five and everyday life went on. I don’t know exactly when it started, but slowly I noticed that Bart was on his phone more and more and was less concerned with the family. We no longer had good conversations. Bart also spent more time at the gym and sometimes didn’t get home until eleven at night. The team we had formed was nowhere to be seen. We seemed further apart than ever.
“The team we had formed was nowhere to be seen”
I suggested going back to the relationship therapist, Bart said nothing was wrong. But my gut said something completely different. So I checked his phone again and in a repeat of what had happened before, I saw a bunch of messages again. From Sylvia. Who still wanted to feel and taste it.
No way back
Bart was in the shower and furiously I threw his mobile against the shower door. He didn’t even bother denying it. Yes, he saw Sylvia again and yes, this time he was even more in love. And more had happened than just kissing. But hey, what did I expect? Our family swallowed me up and I had no eyes for him. That really hurt, because in my experience I had done a lot for our relationship. And even now I still wanted to fight for it, Joa was not even three months old.
I persuaded Bart to go back to the therapist, but it was all to no avail. He was too in love with Sylvia, I too angry to forgive him. When Joa was six months old, I went to live on my own. Bart stayed in our house. The first night alone I cried my eyes out. For myself, for Lars and Fiene, but especially for Joa. I could never, ever miss him again, but I also know: without our relationship problems, he wouldn’t have gotten there. And it is those same relationship problems that mean that he is now growing up in a broken family and will never see his mom and dad still together. I find that so painful.
“Sometimes I feel guilty that he exists and then I feel even more guilty about that feeling”
Sometimes I feel guilty that he exists and then I feel even more guilty about that feeling. All I can do is shower him with my love and I will. Whatever the situation, Joa can’t help it. He is more than desired.”
This article appears in Kek Mama 11-2022.
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