‘I’d rather wear a wig, but then my daughter won’t recognize me’
Image: Nine IJf
Nicole Berkhout (30) is together with Jordy (31) and mother of Feline (almost 2). After being diagnosed with lymphoma, she lost almost all of her hair as a result of chemotherapy.
“In my village everyone knows me as ‘that girl with colored hair’. I wore red, purple or dark blue and put a color mask over it when I went to a festival. That’s what I’m daring about. If someone says I don’t dare to do something, I’m going to do it right. When I heard after my diagnosis of lymphoma that I was going to lose my hair, I thought: that sucks, but I have to get over it. I’m already sick of being sick.
Feminine and tough
Two days after the first round of chemotherapy, the hairdresser shaved everything off. My girlfriend and sister-in-law were with me and didn’t keep it dry, but I sat sober in that chair – like: go ahead, it’s inevitable. Once at home, the painful confrontation came when I saw old hair in my brush. Still, I tried not to dwell on it for long.
The difficult moments were mainly in the physical pain. After chemotherapy I lay in bed for days with a cramped body. I also suffered from sweating attacks and therefore wearing my wig was no fun. I often put on a cap backwards, with a vest and jeans with holes underneath it. If it can’t be feminine, it has to be tough – that idea.
“A few months later I thought: fuck that insecurity, I’m just wearing a dress”
According to friends, I could wear a dress without her, but it clashed in my head. Until a few months later I thought: fuck that uncertainty, I’ll just do it. Thinking about it again, huh? The first time felt uncomfortable, but later I even went to buy new dresses. Sometimes I went into the street bald and I heard children ask their mother: ‘Why is that lady bald?’ So nice when he answered that they had to ask me. Don’t hide the taboo on cancer, but be honest about it.
Get used to
A lot of people say that my face looks better without hair and that I look like singer Sinéad O’Connor. Still, it’s hard for me to get used to it and I prefer to wear my wig since the sweat attacks have disappeared. Feline found that thing terrifying at first. Only when I took it off did she run to me: ‘Mama!’ That was hard – I finally felt beautiful, my daughter didn’t recognize me. I put it on every now and then to get her used to it. It is now getting better and she also comes to give me a kiss when I wear the wig.”
This portrait is in Kek Mama 03-2022.
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