‘I learned to see him as he is’

Motherhood is incredibly beautiful, but also difficult and something that makes you insecure. Reading that other moms are going through the same thing can help. In this series, five mothers tell how they put motherhood into perspective, for example by reading personal stories.

When Anna (31) heard that her son Joris (7) has an autism-related contact disorder, all the pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place. It became clear why Joris reacts to situations in a certain way. “I could have given it a much better place.”

cry baby

The first period after the birth, Anna did not notice anything special about Joris. He was a crybaby. “He cried a lot, we couldn’t calm him down. We tried everything. We took him to bed or walked on his arm to calm him down. We didn’t know how to deal with it, we had bad nights for years. Of course we got some tips, but as parents you have to find your own way. Now I think maybe it had to do with his autism, that it was all stimuli that he couldn’t process. But we didn’t know that then. Joris was our first child, so you don’t really know what to expect.”

Otherwise

Joris got older and Anna noticed that he sometimes behaved differently than other children his age. For example, Joris was afraid of loud noises. “He found fireworks very scary, it really made him panic. He was also afraid of flagpoles and balloons. We thought that was special. We also noticed that Joris always needed an overview. He didn’t like an amusement park, for example. Then he would always stay with us, because there were so many stimuli. He didn’t dare walk anywhere. Anna also heard from a friend that Joris’s motor skills were not good. She didn’t realize it herself, since he was her first child. Anna and her husband were especially concerned about Joris’ self-reliance when he went to primary school. He was not yet potty trained and he could not dress himself. They discussed this with both special education and regular education. “We knew that Joris needed separate guidance, also with regard to his fears. We had conversations with a regular primary school whether they wanted to invest extra time in this. If not, we would opt for special education. For us it was all about Joris, that he got the safety he needed. The school wanted to cooperate and that actually worked out very well.”

Confirmation

“When Joris went to primary school, a number of studies were already underway. That ended up taking a few years. Then it turned out that he has a contact disorder related to autism. At that moment we finally felt the confirmation and recognition we were looking for. We heard more and more about it: yes, this is Joris. Everything fell into place.” What Anna also liked was that she could explain to parents why Joris does certain things. “When Joris met someone, he always asked: ‘How old are you and how old are your children?’ That was his way of communicating. He wasn’t sure how to start a conversation. He also took many things literally. When he played in the sandbox, and someone made a sandwich with a mold, he would say: ‘That’s not a sandwich’. I found that difficult. I always felt like I had to defend him when he was playing with other kids. Or that I had to explain what he means or how he means it.”

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‘He thought he was a stupid boy’

schoolyard

Although Joris has trouble making social contacts, he does have friends to play with. “No one in his class is considered crazy or excluded. And as parents we also arrange playing together, which is fortunately never a problem. The schoolyard remains a difficult place for Joris. He always stays with the resident parent. The schoolyard is completely unclear to him, so he doesn’t know where to go. The resident parent feels familiar to him. I had to justify that to other parents. Not everyone knows how best to deal with him. Understandable. When I was a stay-at-home mom, I tried to push Joris a bit to go to his classmates. Now I think: was that the right way? Did he want that? I wanted so badly for Joris to play nice, because I thought it was good for him. That it was normal. But he didn’t feel comfortable with that.”

Relativize

“I have read several articles by Kek Mama about autism. Autism comes in many different varieties, so I couldn’t quite find myself in every story. But there was one story of a mother that was very recognizable. She was also concerned about explaining to other parents why her child does certain things and how to make that clear. Find out what’s going on in that head. It feels good to read how other parents have handled it. And that recognition, that I feel what they feel. Because you love your child no matter what he does or how he is. But someone else also sees the ‘strange’ traits and cannot always place them. That’s pretty exciting. You want to see your child happy, but you can’t always control that. For this you would like someone else to cooperate as well. †

Unconditional love

If there’s one thing Anna has learned over the years, it’s to see Joris as he is. And that he may be there, with his particulars. She supports him in this when necessary. “Every child needs love. Even though he sometimes reacts or behaves differently from other children. I know that Joris does that with a certain intention. He needs that to keep control or not to experience so many stimuli. Now that I know that, I understand his behavior much better.” According to Anna, it is also important to be open and honest with other parents. And that you should not be ashamed of the trouble you sometimes experience. According to her, it is good to look inside yourself every now and then. “Sometimes I think something is good for my kid because it’s normal for boys his age. But I’ve learned that it’s about what he wants and what’s important to him and for that I sometimes have to put myself aside.”

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