‘He had doubts about fatherhood, so I secretly had my IUD removed’

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As for paternity, Elton couldn’t decide. So Sharon (36) thought: well boy, if you think making a decision is too scary, then I’ll help you, right?

Sharon: “Elton and I had been together since we were 16. We lived together for over ten years. So when I made it clear for the umpteenth time in my thirties how much I wanted a child, I was surprised that Elton was once again digging his heels in the sand.

wish for children

The subject had come up many times before. That we ever wanted a child has been clear to us since we were in our mid-twenties. When ‘ever’ was was the one thing we couldn’t agree on in the years that followed. Elton had studied until he was 26 and wanted to enjoy his career and income first. Traveling the world, buying a bigger house – mostly material things. I shared his desire to travel, but had been working since I was 21. To me, my late twenties seemed like a good age to let nature take its course.

You cannot force a concrete wish to have children, so I granted Elton his development and resigned myself to the agreement that we would let the subject rest until I was thirty. For three years we traveled through Asia and Africa. We bought a house, a bigger car, and got a cat. Elton got a great job at a design agency, I subscribed to a baby magazine. I almost crumpled with a craving for a baby. So by the time I was finally thirty, I thought it was high time we went for it, as agreed.

‘He wasn’t ready’

Elton looked at me as if he heard thunder in Cologne when I confronted him with this proposal. He was aware of the deal, he said, but no matter how much he thought about it, he really wasn’t ready. I asked what it would take for him before it was time for family life. On paper we had everything. Moreover, did he realize that my fertility started declining from my thirties?

He waved off that last argument with a laugh. After all, who nowadays had a child before she was thirty, and we only wanted one anyway? He was right about that: from the moment Project Baby became a topic, there was one thing we were certain about, and that was that we would leave it with one child. I have a sister with a severe case of PDD-NOS, and I thought giving birth to one healthy member was enough Russian roulette. But continuing to put off our wish to have children did not increase the chance of a healthy child.

Desire

Of course I also knew that I was playing the health card a little too hard. Statistically, we still had years to go. Only: I didn’t have that time. My desire for a child was so great that it hindered my daily functioning at times. I couldn’t walk past a baby store without suppressing the urge to rummage through the rompers, and was just trying to get pregnant. Except for one detail: I still had an IUD.

Perfect conditions

The relationship between Elton and I was strained by our stalemate. “You know what: if you don’t want it, then I’ll just do it on my own, right?” I cried one evening. He didn’t object. I packed my things and left for my mother for weeks at a time. That made Elton a little more lenient.

‘I do want a child, I just want the conditions to be perfect,’ he finally said, one evening in my mother’s garden. “But they are,” I said. ‘We have a house, great jobs, and above all: each other.’ Elton couldn’t help but say he wanted it to be even better. Even more financial security, preferably an even bigger house, in short: even more material. “Then I guess you and I have very different ideas about what a child needs to grow up lovingly and safely,” I said, sending him back to our house, which I wondered if I’d ever set foot in it again. would set the barrier. I stayed with my mother for almost three months when I realized that I really couldn’t do without Elton. He also turned out to be very unhappy, so we agreed to go out for dinner to make amends one last time.

‘I don’t want to be without you’

That night everything changed. Elton was emotional. He didn’t want to be without me, he said, and when he thought about the future, he still saw a picture of us with the child. But he was afraid. To make a decision that would be irreversible, afraid of failing as a father and ending up in a life no longer defined solely by him. Kolder, in my eyes those were all the ingredients that made him a fantastic father. Well boy, I thought, if you think all this is too scary, then I’ll give you a hand, right?

That same evening I went home, the next morning I made an appointment with the doctor to have my IUD removed. Our renewed, loving togetherness seemed like the perfect time to let nature do its work. I had no pangs of conscience. Elton was clearly ready for fatherhood, but let himself be guided by irrational fears. He had stated emphatically that he envisioned the three of us in the future, and that a future without me was not an option. But I knew that if I told him now that I was going to get pregnant any minute, he’d go into a slump again. So I kept my mouth shut and prayed every month that my period would stop.

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‘You see: karma’

I kept getting my period. ‘You see: karma’, I thought. After all the drama, we had already been trying to conceive for a year without Elton’s knowledge and now we may well turn out to be very infertile. Until the day after my 32nd birthday I was suddenly terribly nauseous. I didn’t understand it; I had drunk at most two wines the night before. In the run-up to my carefully planned pregnancy, I had in any case adjusted my entire diet. Hardly any alcohol and coffee, lots of folic acid.

“Wrong, sure,” I guessed, and turned again. A few seconds later I shot straight up. Shouldn’t I have had my period by now? I flew into the living room to look at my diary. In the run-up to my birthday party, I spontaneously forgot all about my baby obsession. And now – I counted three times – I was already a week and a half late. Though I wanted to shake Elton awake, I shot my jeans and ran to the drug store across the street from our house. Ten minutes later I took the pregnancy test.

A little white lie

Even before I had urinated, two lines appeared. Two! I could have screamed with happiness. At the same time, I was terrified, because how did I explain to Elton that I no longer had an IUD? On my phone – my pants still on my ankles – I googled ‘pregnant with an IUD’ with a pounding heart. With very heavy periods you can sometimes lose an IUD with a clot, I read. That was it. The explanation. I counted three times to ten, pulled up my pants, and stepped into the bedroom with my most believable surprised face.

“El,” I said, shaking his shoulder. “El, wake up, you don’t believe this.” As he growled half-opened one eye, I held the positive pregnancy test up to his nose. ‘No, I don’t need coffee yet, you can take it,’ he said, and went on to sleep. ‘Look!’ I insisted. I had expected him to shoot as hard as I did, less than half an hour ago. Or would get angry, because this was obviously not within the planning. But instead, Elton began to cry. “I know we hadn’t decided yet,” I stammered. But Elton grabbed me, pressed me close, and only asked, “How can that be?” I didn’t know either, I said. “I’m so happy,” he said. A weight was lifted off my shoulders that I hadn’t realized before.

Of course, the inevitable moment came when I had to explain how this could have happened. That came that same morning. For a second I doubted whether I should tell the truth. Then I decided to stick with the story about heavy periods and clots. Elton swallowed it for sweet cake. Because he was so happy, inwardly I dismissed it as a white lie, and decided to keep my made-up story as reality from now on.

‘Coincidence does not exist’

Elton spent my entire pregnancy on a pink cloud. He could shout it from the rooftops. “There’s no such thing as coincidence, Shar,” he exulted. And wondered what would have happened if this miracle had never happened to us. I wisely kept my mouth shut. Against him, but also against the rest of my environment.

Our daughter Lila is now almost four. She is the most beautiful, happiest child I have ever seen. Elton adores her. Our house is big enough for the three of us, he thinks now, and his dream of an even bigger house seems to have been forgotten. He’s started working less to have a daddy day, but we’re not eating less of a sandwich. In fact, Elton’s involvement in parenting gave me the opportunity to get promoted and earn more than I did. We couldn’t have been happier. Lying is not nice, but sometimes you have to steer your own course and give chance a hand. Whether it’s left or right, after all, we’re where we’ve always hoped to be.”

This article was previously published in Kek Mama.

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