Ellen: ‘Every phase of your child comes with new fears’

When you become a father or mother for the first time, you will probably discover a completely new side of yourself in all kinds of areas. Something that really surprised me – as a fairly fearless person – was the package of all kinds of fears that you get delivered to your child for free.

I’m not an overprotective mother at all and now that my boys are older that’s not convenient either, because they go their own way anyway. They cycle to school themselves – although fortunately it is very close – and they go outside to play. Lewis himself cycles to the store and to football and that is all very healthy. But still… I’m always happy when they’re home safe.

Fears

Especially when they are picked up and brought home by their father, who currently lives in The Hague. That’s such a shit end from Arnhem. I really try to ignore and push the fear that something will happen to them, but that is sometimes easier said than done. They are my children and they are the most important thing in my life. Now that Sophia is there, I’m actually starting all over again with a different kind of concern. I remember it from years ago when the boys were little.

They are – sometimes completely unrealistic – fears. What if I (or someone else) drop her? What if I trip and fall down the stairs with her? We often put her on the changing mat on the table to change, and of course there is a lamp above it. The other day it suddenly crossed my mind: what if that lamp comes clattering down when she is lying there? Or when we are walking outside; what if that car goes off the rails and sweeps me and the stroller off the sidewalk? Why do I think those things? Why does it occur to me at all? And why am I a visual thinker and why does such a horror scenario play out directly on my retina? Fortunately, these are only very short thoughts and sometimes I have to laugh about them. I will probably be spared a one-way ticket, but still. I’ll just say I love my kids dearly and don’t want anything to happen to them.

Unfortunately, you can’t always control that. I can really sympathize with parents who have lost a child or parents who have a sick child. During the end of my pregnancy I came across an Instagram account of a lovely lady who had to bury her baby and that also happened in Nils’ circle of friends. Since I became a mother myself, I can really cry about that, because I can imagine what a hell those people must go through. It’s the worst thing that can happen to you, losing your child. For example, I have been donating to Kika for a long time. If I can contribute something in that way, I’m happy to do so.

Belongs to life

Apart from everything that you have absolutely no control over, there are of course also things that are part of life and new fears are associated with every phase of your child. Soon the boys will have to continue cycling to secondary school, they will go out, come home late (or not at all) and they will sometimes end up drunk on the roadside or fight. Sophia may get the wrong boyfriends and all three will do strange antics on drinking holidays in Salou or Hersonissos. It’s part of growing up and part of life and Nils and I have done enough pranks ourselves.

What no child needs is an overprotective parent who prevents them from walking into seven ditches at once, making mistakes or falling. So I keep my fears – which every parent probably has – nice to myself and let my children go free, no matter how difficult that is sometimes.

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