Denice let go of her perfectionism as a mother

Motherhood is incredibly beautiful, but also difficult and something that makes you insecure. Reading that other moms are going through the same thing can help. In this series, five mothers tell how they put motherhood into perspective, for example by reading personal stories.

As a mother, you often want to do everything perfectly. Logical, because taking care of your child is a big responsibility. But Denice (34), mother of a son (8) and daughter (9), also knows that not everything goes perfectly in motherhood. “I wanted to show the outside world that I was doing everything right.”

‘Perfect’ Mother

Denice wanted to be a ‘perfect’ mother but also a mother of ‘the perfect children’. “I wanted to show those around me that I was doing everything right. As a mother, but also with my children, my house and how I live. Looking neat, no spit on my clothes and a clean stroller.” But in reality that kite never took off. Then things happened that, according to Denice, startled other mothers. “One time giving a bottle too warm, accidentally dropping my child off the changing table because I grabbed something and children who are covered in bruises, because they simply love playing outside. But when I told this to other mothers, they looked at me in shock, as if things like this never happened to them. Then I felt so small.”

Accept

Denice’s children have ADHD and her daughter has a learning disability. That has sometimes been painful for Denice. “I don’t see some family members and friends anymore because they thought my kids were too busy. They were not perfect children in their eyes. You are pointed to it, which is not nice. But now I think: if you can’t accept my children as they are, I don’t need to see you anymore. I also have people in my life who do accept them and that is much more important.”

To obstruct

Her perfectionism and the fact that her children have ADHD hindered Denice. She has left many activities for it. “I did very little with them on days out, such as to a museum or places with other children. That just didn’t work, they were too busy for that. I didn’t go to the cinema with them either, because they couldn’t sit still and people would get annoyed by them. We also did not go to the library. I love books, but I didn’t take them with me. I knew when we got in there they were going to play. I would then be looked at because I couldn’t control them. They must think I’m a bad mother, I thought.”

Also read: ‘Stop striving for perfection as a mother’

Safe Home

“The fact that mothers nowadays want to do everything perfectly is also because there is quite a lot of pressure on them. My daughter, for example, has irritable bowel syndrome, which caused her to poop and pee a lot at school. When that happened, I was called and asked to come to school. While at that time, just like my husband, I was at work and couldn’t really just leave. But I kept getting calls to come to school and change my daughter.” At one point, the school had even called Home Safe, because Denice’s daughter had diarrhea so often. There was no diagnosis at that time, because she was too young for that.

Dissolved

“Veilig Thuis ultimately proved me right and severely punished school. According to the organization, it was not necessary to call me every time, because that could get in the way of a good family income. Safe Home has fortunately resolved the situation, but my self-confidence as a mother had taken a big dent. That they had to call this agency was proof to me: I am the worst mother ever. Really, I was all over it.”

Relativize

So it’s no surprise that Denice felt the urge to do everything perfectly. However, she gradually let go of that. “That was mainly because I read stories by Kek Mama about other mothers who also committed blunders. Stories about a child who ran away from a flat, a mother who lost her child in the supermarket and a mother who dropped her child from the changing table. I’m not the only one where things like this happen, I thought at the time. I felt a lot better because of that. Everyone goes wrong sometimes, everyone makes mistakes. Those mothers just do something. The stories always end well in the end. Sometimes an article does not end well. Then I know that what happened to my child is not so bad. That’s so nice to think of. That makes me feel that guilt a little less.”

Also read: Luzette had postpartum depression: ‘That pink cloud was nowhere to be seen’

rethink

Once perfectionism is in you, it’s hard to let it go. Denice’s solution? “I often try to think. If my kids don’t do what I want, now I think: am I not too demanding? Or: can I ask otherwise? I try to guide and direct my children as much as possible, instead of just correcting them.” Denice also read something once, which in her eyes summarizes the perspective of perfectionism as a mother very well. Namely: my children are still alive, so I’m doing well. “That is a very low threshold, I know that. But actually it’s a good one. I suffered from performance anxiety for years. But as a mother you fail continuously. So you have to learn to let it go.”

Ask for help

“Letting go is getting easier. You also have to learn to accept help. And I find that so difficult. Because you want to do everything perfectly, but you get help because it doesn’t go perfectly. By now I know that because of that help you will only get better as a person. Especially if you have children with problems, it can also be better for your child to accept help. My advice: seek help if you need it. As difficult as that is, because it also has a bit to do with your ego. But if you’re too demanding, you’ll die. Do it for yourself and your child. Trust me, it just gets better.”

Would you like to read more beautiful and recognizable stories from fellow moms? Subscribe now and receive Kek Mama first on your doorstep every month.