“Deep in my heart, if I’m being honest, I would have loved to have a daughter”

Image: Kyra, HashtagK

A letter to the daughter I don’t have

Oh my Leia,

How I would have loved to meet you. Your hair braided, ruffles smoothed on your dress and your little toenails painted. Watching you grow from a baby to a lady. Waiting to see if you would like to tut as much as I do or not. Whether you are crazy about dinosaurs, superheroes and unicorns, like your brother Nox, or really a Disney fan and know all princesses by name. I don’t care what you chose, just like it doesn’t matter to Nox. Being yourself is especially important. But deep down in my heart, if I’m honest, I would have loved to have a daughter.

Call it a feeling. Call it a wish. Not that I would have wanted it any other way than it is now. My son is my sweetheart and we are crazy about each other. An indispensable part of my life and a boy also brings wonderful adventures. Only, my heart itches for how it could have been. Not knowing what it’s like to have a daughter has poked small holes in my heart.

But you know, Leia, as my son grows up, the holes are getting filled in a little bit. Because of him, the bond we have and in the activities we do. But also because of the fantastic girls in are to live.

By the twin sisters from his class, who hang against me during a babysitting afternoon while we watch a movie. The girls at the BSO who tell me I have cool nails. The girls from group eight who share their sports stories about the liberation run with me. All beautiful daughters. Not mine, not the Leia that was in my head. But unbeknownst to these girls, they make me happy by giving me a glimpse into the life of a girl child in this neighborhood where my Nox also gets to grow up.

“Not knowing what it’s like to have a daughter has poked small holes in my heart”

Goodbye my sweet dream. You’re not going to become reality. But real life is just around the corner, including the most special and wonderful children who will have a place in my heart. And I like to make room for that.

Lilian Finn (31) is an author, speaker and designer. She is married to Charles and mother of son Nox (4). She writes openly and honestly about what concerns her on LilianFinn.nl.