A year of mourning: “I just called daddy,” says Willem (3)
Tabitha (44) lives with her sons Teun (7) and Willem (3) in Haarlem. Her husband was diagnosed a year ago: an untreatable brain tumor. A month later he passed away. How do you move on as a family after such a sudden loss? In these columns you get an insight into moments they experience. The first year without dad.
And then suddenly you have a dad who is no longer there. Who no longer talks to you, no longer hugs you,
no longer takes you to school, no longer builds you a Lego garage, where you can no longer sit on your lap and with whom you can no longer laugh. It is a dad who is really no longer tangible. Yet, both Teun and Willem, keep their father alive in their own way.
For example, the environment is discussed at Teun’s school and his teacher indicated that you can get rid of the second car, for example. Teun’s reaction: “We also sold our second car when Dad died.” He talks about it in class. It’s open and the kids know it. I think that’s very nice. Teun is a chatterbox, but there is so much more going on in his head.
The other day I put him to bed and then suddenly he said: “Daddy was very good at making big snowballs. I couldn’t do that very well at all.”
“Do you remember when you threw snowballs during winter sports?” I asked him.
He remembers throwing snowballs especially in front of our house, in the garden.
“Mama and Willem stood in front of the window and we threw the balls at you.”
Lots of fun. This is how it goes with Teun, suddenly after weeks, months the memories pop up in his head.
Willem has fewer memories, but is also busy with his father on a daily basis. When his best friend plays with us, he scrolls through the photos with the iPad on his lap. “Look”, I hear Willem say, “that’s my daddy, and that too. Here also.”
Slowly there is a tear in my heart, this is so painful. His daddy, of whom he is so proud. Rightly so. And his girlfriend can get to know him through the photos. And later when he is bigger, hopefully also through the many stories. In the afternoon in the supermarket, Willem imitates a telephone conversation. When he hangs up, he says, “I just called Dad… He was drawing for me.”
When the boys are in bed at night I put the number Visiting hours by Ed Sheeran loudly.‘I wish that heaven had visiting hours. So I could just swing by and ask your advice. What would you do in my situation? I haven’t a clue how I’d even raise them. What would you do? ‘Cause you always do what’s right.’
If only I had Frank’s phone number in heaven too. Then I would definitely call to ask how he is doing and tell about our little guys who keep him alive every day. We’ll never forget him.
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