A year of mourning: “How brave is courage?”
Image: Little Detail Photography
Tabitha (44) lives with her sons Teun (7) and Willem (3) in Haarlem. Her husband was diagnosed a year ago: an untreatable brain tumor. A month later he passed away. How do you move on as a family after such a sudden loss? In these columns you get an insight into moments they experience. The first year without dad.
Together with a friend and her 7-year-old daughter, we are going on holiday to France by car. How I miss Frank. He was always in control when preparing for a holiday. He took care of the things I tend to forget like passports, chargers and keys. But we go, everyone around me praises how brave that is. But how brave is courage and where do I reach a limit?
We go to a climbing forest. Everyone is secured, but it doesn’t look as well organized as a climbing forest in the Netherlands. So you can call it adventurous. Unfortunately, Willem is too small to participate. Teun can’t wait to get started. But yes, of course he can’t go up the tree alone: mom has to come along. So I go into the trees with two seven-year-olds under my care. You can’t really call such a belt very attractive, but without it is not an option either. The first climb, with wobbly ropes and a few meters above the ground, goes pretty well. I smile and think of myself as a real GI Jane.
Read also: A year of mourning: “I just called daddy,” says Willem (3)
When my girlfriend’s daughter stops at the second course, Teun smells the adventure. Full of confidence I also go to level two: higher and with other obstacles. Teun suddenly finds it a bit exciting. I have to wait and can’t help him. Fortunately, there are people who can and after a few minutes he continues. The hero. And then I have to. I hear Willem calling downstairs: ‘Mama! Mom!’ And suddenly I realize that if something happens to me, it will be very inconvenient for the boys. I freeze and can’t go on, but I really can’t. This is my limit.
“Suddenly I realize that if something happens to me, it will be very inconvenient for the boys”
A French man picks me up, I walk against the current, excusing myself. It is a sad departure, especially because the French man looks very annoyed. Teun bravely continues and afterwards at the campsite I praise my son for his courage and how tough he is. I quickly pour a glass of wine. I miss Frank so much right now, he should have done this with his son. Because I’m not as tough as the men in our family. Sometimes I really feel like Bridget Jones, the widow version.
A few weeks later we are with my family in the Veluwe and there is also a climbing forest. I go cycling with my parents and Willem and the rest of the family goes into the trees, ten meters high without any fear. Grumbling I think: ‘If only I were a little braver’.
