‘Sometimes I am annoyed by his eternal lust’

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“Teun, he turns his head off again”, Julia’s friends (41) say about her husband. If the father of your children has a sex addiction, just deal with it. But yeah, he’s still so cute.

Julia: “When I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his 21st birthday, he replied, ‘A threesome’. Good joke, I thought. Come on, we were together for four months, of course he didn’t want any other woman than me. I gave him a big kiss and bought a bracelet madly in love. We are now almost twenty years old and three children aged eleven, nine and six, and he has had at least forty other wives besides me. A meager estimate, because if I’m realistic, I know it must be a multiple.

pasted on

‘The hands man’, they call him in the schoolyard and in our circle of friends and acquaintances. The reason: his hands are everywhere. On the backs of women. On their legs. Give him a glass of wine and he sticks more firmly than a Tesa strip – but not to me. This only applies in public, by the way; at home he is a koala bear. Because Teun is usually glued to me too. I have the sex life of a twenty-something in the dating jungle. Everywhere where the door can be locked is an opportunity for him. The bathroom. The toilet. A fitting room during a day of shopping together, and every evening or morning when the children are asleep.

On average, we do it six times a week. extensive. And even then I have to push him off me regularly; for him those six times are far too few. That’s why I released him a long time ago. ‘Get the rest from someone else’, I said when, after a session of at least two hours, he felt like it again a few hours later. I simply can’t keep up with him. Sometimes I’m happy when my best – single – girlfriend is staying with us and he climbs on her for a night. Then I have a rest; we have good agreements about that. She’s the only acquaintance I can trust. I don’t want any other conquests in my area; in my field my dignity is sacred.

Not that that always works out well, when he strolls about a party as De Handenman again. Teun is charming, most women accept his touch with a smile. However, he also regularly gets a reprimand. I find it more embarrassing that it sings around in the schoolyard, that he likes it. Not the best image, not even for the children.

sex addiction

Of course it is a sex addiction, he admits that himself. Teun loves porn when I’m not there or when I’m sleeping, and does it with someone else at least once every three months. He would also prefer to go to swingers clubs, but that’s where I draw the line. This is his hobby, not mine. He comes about three times a day, I think, and with our six times a week, I’m on my tax. A license for outside the door a few times a year really seems more than enough concession to me.

I’m not jealous. If it had, our relationship would – that’s for sure – never make it. Nothing in me doubts His love for me, for our children. We fit together in everything: music, political and social visions, sports. We never argue about education. He is a fantastic, involved father, we love each other’s friends and find each other just as surprising and delicious after twenty years. Except he has a much higher libido than I do. As long as it doesn’t get in the way of his work or our family life, I can live with that.

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His lifestyle is not entirely without risk, everyone understands that. Teun has promised to always do it safely, but that is a relative term. You get an STI faster than small children get a runny nose, especially with so many changing contacts. That is why he is tested every six months. The GP is not happy with it and does not understand our open relationship.

Still, his pot of pee and cotton swab go back to the lab every time, with excellent results so far. Doesn’t take away from the fact that I find it exciting every time. Because what if a positive test result does come out of the bus? Then I would say the least not amused to be.

It’s not always easy. There have been times when Teun crossed all my boundaries and I wondered what I was still doing in this relationship. Like the time he was missing for a night because he fell asleep after a night of sex with a colleague. I could forgive him the night of sex, not our empty bed. Or the fact that the children had to go to swimming lessons the next morning – his package that I now had to pay for. And sometimes I’m simply annoyed by his eternal lust. Take up a hobby, I think. Go for a run or something, or buy a midlife crisis bike.

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Stick with the neighbor

The pinnacle was during a family vacation in Thailand. We were staying at a resort and the room next door was home to two women. Divorced girlfriends, it turned out, and when we got talking one evening over a drink on the terrace, we more or less spent the rest of the holiday together. They liked it a bit, splashing and shouting with our offspring, and we were glad that we had our hands free every now and then. For – indeed – a lovemaking, but also just to be able to read undisturbed.

Until one night Teun stumbled into our room half-drunk, his pants still on his knees. He had stayed with the neighbor. At that moment I would have loved to have left straight home. What he did in his own time was one thing, but this was our family vacation. After the necessary mea culpas I forgave him and a day later there was a beautiful necklace on my pillow. Clumsy, and somehow a little easy. But he understood that he had gone too far and that was the end of it for me.

Instructions

We have discussed whether we should do something about this. Therapy or other appointments. But as long as we continue to thrive on it, we see no reason for it. I have girlfriends who have their husbands on a leash and vice versa. I don’t believe in that.

I release Teun and trust that his love for me is so great that I will always remain his priority, with the children. I also have my user manual. I’m fickle and hot-tempered, and maybe spend a little too much on clothes, booze with friends and other luxuries. Teun never judges me. We are open about our activities and the other always has veto power. If I really don’t want Teun to go out one evening, he stays at home.

And if I were to demand that he keep his pants closed for good, it will be grudgingly, but he does it. Only, I don’t want that. For however he goes on the tongue and whichever woman’s back he strokes; only I know what we share. As long as he doesn’t hurt me with it, he won’t hurt anyone. Except for an occasional husband on the other hand perhaps, but is that really his problem?

Marriage or connection

I once asked my sister, three years her junior, “Which is more important to you: eternal loyalty or sincere connection?” “Faithful,” she said, “because I want to know that I’m the only one for him. Depth in conversations, connection, I get that from friends.’ That immediately justified how Teun and I stand in our relationship – not that I needed that justification. Because when it comes to our biggest dreams, deepest fears and darkest secrets, Teun and I share everything with each other. There is no judgment of each other, no expectation.

Just that intense, deep loving. I can always contact him, he understands and reads me like no other. I can accept that he sometimes gets his kicks from someone else: after all, he primarily seeks them from me. He’s not cheating on me; it’s a supplement I can’t give him.

Love and honesty

Our children also see how flirtatious their father is with other women. They don’t know that he also has sex with a few, and I’d like to keep it that way. They see how loving our relationship is, so they don’t question the situation. At least not yet, because there will probably come a time when they pick up gossip or start thinking for themselves.

Moreover: the current generation of children is growing up a lot more sexually than we were then. They are taught the most important basis at the same time: everything revolves around love and honesty. To yourself and to others. How you shape that in a relationship is your own choice.”

This article was previously published in Kek Mama.

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