‘I still don’t like motherhood after a year’

Image: Getty Images

Shannon (28) lives with Jacques (39) and is the mother of Lennon (1).

“I couldn’t wait to become a mother, but now that it’s here, I can’t enjoy it. I never had a strong desire to have children. Until I met Jacques and knew within a week: this is the father of my child. My fresh wish to get pregnant immediately occupied me day and night. Six months after our meeting, Jacques and I lived together, and another six months later we hit it off.

Jacques was happy with my sudden strong desire to have children, he didn’t want to become a ‘very old’ father. We were overjoyed when we held a positive pregnancy test in our hands one early Sunday morning, before my period was due. We had to restrain ourselves from buying a whole layette right away, because it was still so early. We shouted it from the rooftops. We had a child!

Exhausted

Now that Lennon is a year old, I think, looking back, I may have looked forward to being pregnant and anticipating a baby more than caring for a child itself. And I was wonderfully pregnant. I had no ailments until three days after the due date I went into labor.

After more than 24 hours of contractions, I was finally ten centimeters dilated, but I didn’t feel the urge to push. In the end, Lennon was born in the hospital with the help of a big cut and a vacuum pump. Bewildered, I looked at the slippery purple creature being placed on my stomach. I felt no joy, only exhaustion—and relief that the pain was over.

Also read – ‘It’s complicated enough to navigate the jungle of motherhood’ >

Maternity

We spent three days in the hospital for observation, where nurses took care of most of Lennon’s care. But once at home, Jacques and I were suddenly on our own. Of course, the maternity assistant helped, but I will never forget the first night with the three of us. We didn’t sleep for a minute, were just feeding, changing, soothing. This was nothing like what I expected from motherhood. Was this what our lives would look like forever from now on?

So far the answer is yes. I love Lennon, I’m happy when he greets me in the morning babbling and beaming in his sleeping bag, and I prefer to cuddle him flat all day long. But taking care of it non-stop, not having a minute to myself, never being carefree again; I don’t mind it.

“Grooming it non-stop, not having a minute to myself; I don’t mind it”

I talked to a psychologist a few times because Jacques was concerned that I might be suffering from postpartum depression, but that turned out not to be the case. She advised me to acknowledge my feelings, and also to outsource Lennon enough so that I have time for myself. And that helps.

Since he has been going to the shelter for three days, I’ve come back to myself a bit, but not enough. After four days of full-time care, every Tuesday morning I am overjoyed when he goes there and I don’t miss him. Jacques also does a lot, I can exercise two evenings a week just like before. But now I see that mainly as an escape. Sometimes I wonder if I am fit for motherhood.

Pink clouds

I know I’m not alone in my feelings, but it’s difficult that most of the stories you read and hear are still largely about pink clouds, roses and moonshine. My life as a mother is structurally slightly cloudy. I’m afraid the sun won’t break through until Lennon becomes more independent.”

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