‘Unnoticed I had become a kind of house slave’

I recently read an article about a couple who broke up because they did not match each other in terms of parenting style. You can probably only invent something like that by having a child together, but then it’s already too late.

If it turns out that you really do not understand why the other person makes certain decisions, then it becomes very difficult. To be a good team as parents, you have to be on the same page, I think.

Look, you can of course already discuss a lot in advance. Before you decide to have kids together, I assume you’ve talked about parenting. How do you envision that? I think you can also find out a lot if you look at your partner’s past home situation. How do/did they interact with each other? Were parents strict or were they more laissez-faire? How did the partner feel about that? Did he/she like it or not at all? How does he/she want to do with his/her own kids?

Theory versus practice

But that’s all theory. You only know how you really stand in parenting once the child is born
there is and especially when the upbringing really starts. Usually around toddler puberty, when the child starts to have a mind of its own. Beautiful phase, but also debilitating. The couple in the article handled situations very differently at those times. Father put overtired and crying children in the hallway during dinner, mother was much milder and found these measures by father very difficult. I can well imagine that you can fight quite a bit with each other on these kinds of issues. Because what’s best for your child?

Personally – but hey, that’s me – I’m not of the very strict upbringing. I believe in dialogue with your child and explaining why something is or is not allowed. Some things are possible
just not done. In addition, I try to be consistent and I try to teach my children to be kind, honest and tolerant, to always listen to others and to help. On the other hand, I also think it is important that they stand their ground and they are allowed to bite their teeth. I don’t want to grow pussy, but my sons are allowed to show their emotions. Hopefully their girlfriend/wife will also benefit from that later on.

Read also – Nice, a day at the swimming pool: ‘Fighting for a fitting room in the raging noise and scorching heat’ >

Quite a chore

All in all, parenting is a big job and we don’t need a diploma for that. We haven’t learned for it, we don’t have to take exams for it. You just do it and see where the ship strands, right? I know few parents who knew exactly what they were doing every day from the birth of their child. It is time to search and to take stock every now and then. It would be nice if you could do that in pairs and it would be the same. That keeps the bond with your partner stronger and ensures that you can handle more together.

In the context of raising I also discovered something last year. When I was pregnant with Sophia, Nils pointed out to me several times that I should let the boys do more for themselves. Unnoticed I had become something of a house slave and I did just about everything for them, which was meant to be nice, but the effect was a bit shitty. They simply assumed that I would do everything for a while. From setting the table to clearing the table, preparing bags for school and clearing out the bags, laying out the clothes and putting them back in the laundry basket at night. Making sandwiches, putting iPads on the charger, tidying up their stuff, doing hair, tidying up rooms. Everything, everything. That creeps in, I’m afraid. My defense: then it goes faster. And neater. And blablabla, all sorts of stupid excuses. All I did was raise my sons like little princes and it made no sense. Stupid that you need someone else to open your eyes. If I had carried on like this, my future daughters/sons-in-law (they can come home with whoever they want) would not have been grateful to me, as my boys would have given up on themselves and – worst case scenario – would have started looking for a second mother who does everything for them. I don’t like those types myself.

Multiple sides

Conclusion: I was raising too easy, because I took work off my boys’ hands instead of teaching them. You really don’t get nicer kids that way. We’ve been well on our way to doing better ever since. The boys still ask me a hundred times a day where something is, even if it’s right in front of them (now that I pay attention to it, I notice it), but things are getting better. Raising children has several sides and this is one of them, increasing independence and thus self-confidence.

In that respect I think it will be different for Sophia, with Nils as a father. He thinks it’s very important that the children do something themselves, where I often think: oh, I’ll help. No need! Letting go. It is also a learning experience for me. So we – with two older children at home – have already been able to get used to each other as educators. Now that Sophia is here, know
we already know where we are. But still, it remains one of the biggest challenges. Raise. Will we ever fully master it?

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