Amber had a miscarriage two years ago

Photo: Hannah Rosalie Photography

Two years ago, Amber (32) had a miscarriage. Which was sad enough, but to her surprise it turned out that she was far from the only one in her group of friends. Why hadn’t her friends, with whom she shares so much, told her this? Amber: “It got me thinking: why do we share miscarriages so little? Can’t there be sadness too?”

Amber was overjoyed when she found out she was pregnant. She and her boyfriend had been trying to conceive for three years. Just when they decided to start a fertility program, she turned out to be pregnant. “After eleven weeks we had our first ultrasound. Because of corona, my friend was not allowed to enter. He waited outside and via video calling he could see the screen. Soon the midwife said she had bad news. The heart was not beating. That was a very intense moment.”

To ask

The period after the miscarriage was very intense for Amber. “When I got home, everything passed me by in a blur. I was so sad. After a week the miscarriage started naturally. I have never felt so empty mentally and physically.” Amber realized that she had never heard of a miscarriage from anyone close to her. She wondered if she was the only one who had experienced this. She noticed that she had a lot of questions that she couldn’t quickly find answers to. “I have very dear friends, who all came by. That was very nice. But I also had to think about the women who go through the same thing, but don’t have such friends to fall back on. How do they deal with this? Are there certain projects or people who help you with this? It kept me very busy.”

To talk

“What really helped me in my grieving process was talking to friends. Some of them said they had experienced this themselves. When I heard that, I was very surprised. I do not know that. I wondered why they didn’t feel like they could get away with it. By listening and talking I started the whole process. I talked to a lot of women, both in my own company, where I help female entrepreneurs, but also on my Instagram account. I did my story there, to which I got so many reactions and DMs. For half a year I just listened and talked. How was it for them? Where could they go? What were they still missing? It fascinated me enormously.”

memoriam

Amber wanted to have a memento of her baby. In the middle of the night, during one of her fits of crying, she designed a necklace for herself. A necklace with two tears. “A tear of sadness and a tear of happiness. Because when I saw the positive pregnancy test, I was ecstatic. In the middle of the necklace is a forget-me-not seed. I now have a healthy ten month old daughter, but she will not replace my first child. My way of dealing with anything, including my emotions, is to create. It helped me to stand still, instead of going straight on like I normally do.” It was not Amber’s intention for her to start a business with her creations. But because she noticed that so many women went through the same thing and also needed a memento of their baby, she decided to do something with it. “Then I started Memorē. With this I want to put a heart to parents who have lost a child. All products in the collection can help parents to cope with the grief. These include the memorial necklace, oil for your body, candles and tea.”

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‘A miscarriage at six or twenty weeks? It’s just as bad’

Shame

“With Memorē I want to make the silent sadness audible. Women often wait until week twelve to announce that they are pregnant. The reason for this is that the risk of miscarriage is greater in the first twelve weeks. But suppose you miscarry at week eight and no one knows you’re pregnant. Then the chance is small that you will still share it, because the threshold is so high. I want to make it clear to people that they should not wait until they are sure that the chance of success is high. There are also women who lose their baby in week 22 or during birth. There is always a chance that things will go wrong. It is important that you have people around you who can support you, but also indicate what you need from them.” Amber also wants to tell women that losing a child is never their fault. She spoke to women who were ashamed of their miscarriage because they thought it was because of their busy lives. That they were too stressed. “Why do we blame ourselves when we lose a child? Society is already pretty hard on women, especially around motherhood and everything that comes with it. That is why I want to give back that piece of love with Memorē.”

There may be sadness

“If you’re dealing with a miscarriage, my advice is to talk about it. Look in your environment to see who you trust and with whom you feel safe. Do you have no one in your area with whom you can share this? Then look online at Facebook groups and discussion groups, there are plenty of them. And dwell on your sorrow. There can always be sadness. It doesn’t have to go away. Because no matter how long or recently it has been, you will never forget a child that you lost during or shortly after the pregnancy and you always carry it with you.”

Curious about Memorē products? Take a look at the website.

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