“Why do I feel so guilty when I do something for myself?”

Patricia van Liemt is a radio host, writer and mother of Maria (12) and Phaedra (9).

I recently had a mega eye-opener that I would like to share with you. I’ve long wondered why we mothers feel so guilty when we do something for ourselves. When I look at myself I can still shout out loud that it’s really okay to not be in the service of a family member for a while, but I always suffer from that edge of guilt.

good for others

Then I started thinking about what it’s all about. I learned that most women were raised to believe that you are not a good person unless you are good to others. It is said from an early age that you have to be a good daughter (for your parents), a good student (for the teacher), a good sister (for your brothers/sisters) and later a good mother (for your children). ). Are you with me?

So we are programmed in such a way that we get our self-esteem from being and doing good for others. This core value therefore lies in what the other person attributes to us. And then I thought, Oh! That’s why I feel guilty so often when I do something for myself. I just never learned to get values ​​in being good to myself.

Not selfish

Suppose you are training for a marathon. Okay, let’s be real, you’ve scored a sports outfit online and you’re going to try to run for five minutes straight. Is there someone who says to you: “Look at her being a good mother!”? No, but prioritizing your own well-being is not selfish, fellow mothers!

maternal brain madness

We mothers also often think that we motivate ourselves by setting the bar nice and high. We often have tabs open in our heads and you basically have no idea where the music is coming from – that kind of maternal brain madness. But all that ‘must’ together form one big negative underlying message: we have to be even better, because whatever you do, the bar just keeps scaling up.

A friend recently gave a great tip to be less strict with ourselves. She said: “We should really treat ourselves the way you treat a friend. You would never say to a girlfriend ‘Tjeez Louiswhat an asshole you are! You will never succeed’. To a friend you would say, ‘Just try again. You can do it!’”

Well, that.

Necessary

Oh. And then this dear moms: relaxing and taking good care of yourself is not a luxury, but necessary. Let’s be kind to each other and ourselves.

More columns from Patricia? Every Friday there is a new column on KekMama.nl. Read the previous columns here.