The day my mother was admitted to a nursing home

Image: Getty Images

Cathelijne had been a caregiver for over fifteen years when her mother was admitted to a nursing home. Finally Cathelijne could start her own life.

Catherine (36): “It was on a summer day in 2019. I was at work when I got a call from my mother’s nurse. She had fallen at home and I had to come. Again. Worried, I jumped into my car. Fortunately, my mother turned out to have no fractures. Emotionally we looked at each other and said, “This can’t go on like this.” Something had to be done, we knew, but how and what exactly, neither of us had the answer to.

Urgently

Because my mother’s nurse didn’t quite trust it, she sent us to the hospital just to be sure. There my mother was extensively examined and luckily the damage was not too bad. Just a few bruised spots. I did express my concerns to her doctor, because what should I do next? Did my mother have to go home alone again only to fall for the umpteenth time after a few days?

“How was it to continue? Did my mother have to go home alone again only to fall for the umpteenth time after a few days?”

Fortunately, her doctor understood me completely. Together with his colleagues, he did his best to have my mother admitted to a nursing home as a matter of urgency. Until then, she could stay in the hospital. It was the best news I had received in a long time.

Parkinson’s

I was seventeen when my mother was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. She was only 53 years old. My older brother had already left home and my father was not in the picture. So for years it was just her and me. We were always together and had a really good relationship with each other. My mother’s sudden illness came as a hard blow to both of us. The prospects were also anything but good. Parkinson’s is a progressive disease, so my mother was expected to deteriorate with age.

“The fact that my mother suddenly turned out to be ill came as a hard blow to both of us”

Within two years that was indeed the case. She had more and more trouble getting up, showering and dressing. I helped her with this every day and also cooking and the household soon ended up on my shoulders. In combination with my studies I did it with love, but sometimes it was quite heavy. Especially because my mother didn’t want to give in to her new situation and then, for example, wanted to take over the cooking if I just wanted to start. Fine, of course, but when I went to study for a while, I was called again that it wasn’t possible. It was all very frustrating for both my mother and me.

Informal care

I didn’t go out with friends much. I wanted to, but didn’t dare, because I was afraid something would happen at home. Once I found her on the floor when I got home. She had fallen, couldn’t get up herself or reach her phone; afterwards it turned out that she had already been there for a few hours before I found her. That was really heartbreaking for me. Several times I asked for help from different agencies. But because I still lived at home, we had little right to that.

“I didn’t dare go out with friends because I was afraid something would happen at home”

Caring for my mother oppressed me. Some days I really thought, I never asked for this. In the meantime I felt guilty again, because my mother didn’t ask for it either. We both had to deal with it as best we could. We didn’t talk about it much. I didn’t want to bother my mother that it was hard for me, but somehow I knew she was aware of that. Precisely because she regularly expressed her appreciation for all my help. And because she often said she would have preferred it differently.

Read also – The day my dad broke up with me: ‘Everyone on Facebook could read along’ >

Live on your own

I put off living on my own for as long as possible. Not only because it was not yet financially feasible for me, but also because I did not dare to leave my mother alone. Still, as I got older, I wanted to live my own life more.

Finally, at the age of thirty, I decided to move into my own home. A difficult moment, because my mother didn’t really want it, but for me it was the right decision. When I left home, I got more space for myself and my mother could also get more help. Something that was not easy for her, because according to her I was the only one who knew how she wanted certain things. That was also the case, one look was enough for us.

“When I left home, I got more space for myself and my mother could also get more help”

Because my mother had to get used to living alone, she often called me for the smallest things. That she lost something or needed help, for example. In the beginning I always went to her to help, but at a certain point I also learned to indicate my limits. If I stopped choosing myself, I would really go under. This has put our band on edge, but it has never led to fights. And neither of us wanted that at all, because we love each other very much.

It is what it is

Fortunately, my mother managed to be placed in a nursing home through a rehabilitation department of the hospital. Admittedly not in the house she wanted to go to herself – she knew it was coming, so she had already communicated her wishes – but it was a start. It felt like a great relief to me. Finally she was in good hands. In her new home she received enough care and she could also get help 24 hours a day. This was exactly what she needed.

A year ago, my mother moved to the nursing home she initially wanted to go to. I visit her once a week and then we have a cup of tea or I take her out for a walk in a wheelchair. It’s always nice to see her.

“A weight has been lifted from my shoulders”

Although she had a hard time surrendering to her illness in the early years, she has more or less accepted it now. I also feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Sure, sometimes I think, how could it have been if she wasn’t sick? But at the same time I know it’s pointless. It is what it is.

Children’s wish

Before my mother became ill, I had a great desire to have children. I knew that I wanted to work with children later and always saw myself walking behind a pram. Now I am 36 and single and have no children. I don’t know if I ever want them again. I took care of my mother for so long, do I want to do that for a child again? It’s a question that’s been bothering me a lot at the moment, but I’m not quite over it yet. So I can see what the future has in store for me. And I also enjoy the time I still have with my mother.”

This article appears in Kek Mama 11-2022.

Receive Kek Mama with a discount and free shipping on your doormat every month! Subscribe now and pay only €4.19 per edition.