‘The day I hit my son’

“Today I hit my child. The reason? It’s not even there. It was pointless. There is also no excuse for my behavior,” the mother writes. “I lashed out at him without thinking. But the consequences were immediate: I burst into tears and so did he. I collapsed to the floor hating myself for what I’d done.’

The disgust, the betrayal, the sadness, the fear: she knows her son felt it all. ‘Because I felt it too’, she continues. ‘I grew up in a violent family. I am married to a violent man. And my son, just two, deserves better. I know (and should) be better. But I wasn’t. Not today.’

Hands at home

After her action, her son shouted ‘Mama, mama!’ “Then I grabbed him and held him close to me,” she says. “We cuddled until he calmed down. Until he was okay again. But why did he want to stay with me? I can’t stand myself, so why can’t he?’

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“I’m usually the calm and quiet parent. I’m not yelling. I tell my child about feelings and consequences, what he did wrong and why. That we live in a hands-on household. And I do my best to take good care of my child so that he feels safe and protected. But today was not such a day.’

Break Circle

Her action painfully reminded her of her own mother. “And then I said to myself, ‘I’m better—much better. I then apologized to my son. He dug his face back into my arms and after a long hug he said, “Play mommy?” After which we played with his trucks for an hour. It’s nice to know that my son still loves me. And that I’m not a monster like my mother. She and I are two different people. And I know: if I try hard, I can break the cycle. To save my son and myself.’

Source: Scary Mommy