‘Thanks to my mother’s inheritance, I was able to divorce and start a new life’

Irene (39), mother of Ruben (8) and Merlijn (6): “She had a limp, my mother. A muscle strain, we thought, or just some wear and tear. But it got worse and one morning when she couldn’t get out of bed, the doctor sent her to the hospital for a scan. Diagnosis: cancer. She had clearly been walking with it for a while, because there were metastases in several places in her body.

Treated. One word that turned the lives of our entire family upside down. My sister and I grew up without a father. Our mother was our rock; father and mother at the same time, we always shouted. While the class was making an ashtray or tie for Father’s Day, my sister and I were painting ‘for the best ‘mappa’ in the world’. And now we would become orphans. Whether you’re sixteen or thirty-six, the pain is immeasurable.

charges

Things were not going well at home. My husband Joeri was recovering from a burnout. All the burdens fell on me: work, taking care of the children, household. I did it with love, although it was hard for me. For more than a year I did everything for him, and now I also had to take care of my mother. It was too much. Just when I was about to collapse, the company doctor thought Joeri strong enough to reintegrate at work. That positivity was nice, but in practice it didn’t take anything off my hands.

To make matters worse, he was unable to offer me any support in the situation with my mother; both practically and psychologically. “I’ve got my hands full with myself,” he said. Which I understood, but also found quite selfish. I’d always been there for him, and when it came down to it, he dropped me hard. “It is what is,” he shrugged. “It’s your goodbye, you have to go through it yourself.” When all I wanted was his strong shoulder.

pleaser

It got me thinking. Actually, our marriage had never really been equal. Joeri sailed his own course, I provided a bed when he got home. While I, like him, worked four days a week. Not that he demanded that of me. Nurturing is in my nature, I am a pleaser. I didn’t ask for more. So somehow I couldn’t blame Yuri that, when I did want more, he heard thunder in Cologne. Still: during the process of my mother’s death, the switch suddenly switched. What did I actually get out of our relationship? At the end of the day, I was all alone.

On another couch

At my mother’s cremation, Joeri was seated in the front of the room, but on a different couch than mine. No arm around me; the children—each under one of my armpits—needed me more than I needed him, he judged. My aunts sat next to them with their heads bowed.

The next morning, my mourning dress still on the foot of our bed, I said I wanted a divorce. That seemed a bit exaggerated to Joeri. Moreover: we could afford our house of 300 thousand euros from our joint income, but it became a bit tight on one salary. Finding both a new, affordable home in the Randstad seemed completely impossible; you really need a pile of your own money for that these days.

Our ‘happily ever after’

I would still come around, thought Joeri. But I had already made my decision. If my husband couldn’t support me even during the most difficult period of my life, what were we still doing together? Then I thought I’d better stay in a flat three-storey behind; our “happily ever after” was a farce that benefited no one. For weeks we lived side by side in icy silence. The kids didn’t get much out of it. Mama was sad about Grandma, they understood that. And daddy was always busy.

Until the letter from the notary fell on the mat. My sister and I each inherited more than 150 thousand euros. I didn’t know whether to cry or cheer. This was my chance, my way out. I could buy out Joeri with it and put the house in my name, and I’d still have money left over. If I would pay that off on the mortgage, I would just make it, my financial advisor told me. How oppressive my mother’s impending death had felt all those months, so great was my relief. I could continue to live in our lovely house with the children. But that joy had a dark side, because I would have had to lose my mother for it.

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phasing out

“So you mean it?” asked Yuri. Of course I doubted. We had lasted so long together, and to be honest: we had a really nice time. But I could no longer see through his self-centeredness, I no longer wanted to hide it. I wanted a partner who put in as much effort for me as I did for him. We decided to share our house for so long. Joeri moved to the guest room, usually worked out in the evenings, and slowly the kids got used to the idea that our lives would go on without Dad around full-time. Because he phased out so gradually, I don’t think they got the divorce very consciously. One day he just stopped sleeping at home, but nothing else changed.

Freedom

Joeri’s apartment, paid for with the buyout fee, is a kilometer away. The children can go to him themselves, but in practice they are only there every other weekend. Everyone is happy with it; Joeri enjoys his freedom, I enjoy the life I already led. Financially I have not improved, but I have not deteriorated either.

The fact that we only have my salary of 2300 euros net to fall back on initially felt like a huge responsibility. Joeri does not pay alimony, he earns about as much as I do. But I am very satisfied with the living pleasure that I have with the children.

Sometimes he helps out when the boys need new coats and shoes. Or does he make a small contribution when the three of us go on holiday for a few days – something he does not undertake himself. We lead a modal life. We eat and drink what we like and have space to do something fun sometimes.

I don’t miss my wedding, but my mother still every day. But when I tuck the boys into the house where they were born at night thanks to her legacy, I feel she’s still with us. And that is ultimately a good thing.”

This article was previously published in Kek Mama.

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